Computer Diagnosis

Sunbiz1

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
 

X

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lulz.
 

Sunbiz1

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One more...lol

A widow who owned a very large ranch was overwhelmed with the amount of work to perform, so she placed a help wanted ad in the local paper. Only 2 people responded, one was a drunk and the other was a *** guy. Figuring that the *** guy was safer to have around the house than the drunk, she hired him.

After several months, things were going extremely well around the ranch and her new employee was performing flawlessly. One Saturday, she suggested to the *** guy that he should go into town for the evening. So he did.

Later that evening, upon opening the front door...he found the widow sitting by the lit fireplace holding a glass of wine. The widow looked up at him and said:

"I would like for you to take off my shoes". Although feeling somewhat uncomfortable, the *** man complied. She then said, I would like for you to unbutton my blouse and take it off. Now the *** man is getting nervous, but he complied as he was in her employment. The widow then said, "take off my bra and panties". With trembling fingers, he removed her bra and panties.

The widow then looked up at him and said:



"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, YOU'RE FIRED!!!!"
 

X

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One more...lol

A widow who owned a very large ranch was overwhelmed with the amount of work to perform, so she placed a help wanted ad in the local paper. Only 2 people responded, one was a drunk and the other was a *** guy. Figuring that the *** guy was safer to have around the house than the drunk, she hired him.

After several months, things were going extremely well around the ranch and her new employee was performing flawlessly. One Saturday, she suggested to the *** guy that he should go into town for the evening. So he did.

Later that evening, upon opening the front door...he found the widow sitting by the lit fireplace holding a glass of wine. The widow looked up at him and said:

"I would like for you to take off my shoes". Although feeling somewhat uncomfortable, the *** man complied. She then said, I would like for you to unbutton my blouse and take it off. Now the *** man is getting nervous, but he complied as he was in her employment. The widow then said, "take off my bra and panties". With trembling fingers, he removed her bra and panties.

The widow then looked up at him and said:



"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, YOU'RE FIRED!!!!"

hahahahahahahah -- much better than the first one imo
 

Sunbiz1

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
 

TheCubfather

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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

lmao. :smug2:
 

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