Could Use Advice On Two Major Dilemmas

[bri]

I am experiencing two major dilemmas and could really use some constructive and objective advice.





The first dilemma involves an extravagant gift that someone purchased for me. It is a little out of my comfort zone and I am unsure how to deal with it. My friendship and affection are not for sale. I do not use people to get things that I want or need. I like people for who they are and how they treat me, not for what they buy me or where they take me. My good nature has caused me to be used by people many times. I know how awful that feels and I would never want to make another person feel that way. The person that bought me this gift is a kind thoughtful human being and I truly don’t think they have any other motive other than a genuine act of kindness. Somewhere along the way they have decided that making me happy is their job, which I have told them many times it is not. They have assured me there are no strings attached and that it was a heartfelt gesture to make my life a little easier. I have never asked this person for anything and never would. This was completely their idea. They didn’t even consult me before doing it I am so flattered and touched that this person thinks I’m worthy of such a gesture and they act as if they will be very hurt if I don’t accept it. I really need this right now, but just because I need it doesn’t make it right to accept it. I have asked people close to me what I should do. One person is religious and she said I should take it as a sign that God was intervening in this way to help me Another friend said “Hell yes you are taking it. If anyone deserves a break it’s you.” It is really important to me to do the right thing. I’m just not sure how to figure out what that is I welcome your advice.







My second dilemma has been haunting me for months and has caused me moments of extreme sadness. It concerns a friend who I have lost contact with. The last time I spoke to this person was right before Christmas and my last words were to wish them a Merry Christmas I have not heard a word from them since. I have sent birthday cards and an Easter card to the last address I had, but don’t know if they received them. I have great respect for this person and have always looked up to them. There have been times in the past where they have disappeared for extended periods of time. And then one day out of the blue they will contact me. I have always tried to be a loyal and supportive friend. I really could have used their friendship and support over the last few months, but they weren’t there. The mind can be like a torture device I always tend to blame myself and try to think what I could possibly have done to cause them to abandon me. I seriously can think of nothing. I know this person goes through periods of self hate and that maybe they are experiencing that now. I finally found a way that I am able to contact this person, but don’t know if I should. They have made no effort to contact me and that may be the way they want it. So should I try to contact them and get some kind of closure or just let it go? It is so hard for me to give up on people. .I think sometimes in my mind I try to make people better than they are.

 

[jakobeast]

Number 1: if this person is really your friend and wants nothing in return, they will understand why you are a bit uncomfy. I say take the gift with aplomb and if they ever bring it up as leverage to get something from you, you tell em to **** a porcupine.



Number 2: sometimes friends come and go. Sometimes friends go months, even years without talking. If you're friend wants to chat, they will chat.

 

[bubbleheadchief]

Bri I have to agree with jako.

#1 If this friend meant "no strings attached" when they sent the gift, then accept it. The choice is yours whether or not you tell them it was a bit too much. if it really is, then let them know that. Turning it down, I feel is the wrong thing, because you two will just end up playing the "here take it back," "no I want you to have it" game until someone actually gets angry about it.

If this friend tries to use it as leverage later on, well then you can destroy it or flaunt it in front of them with a huge **** you to their face.



#2 This one I have a huge amount of experience with, as do most active/former military. Jako said it right, friends can go ages without talking, then pick up right back where they left off. I know when I have things going on, as much as my friends may want to help, I am better off figuring things out on my own, and dont want to be a burden on them. Never ever think it is your fault, never a reason too. Knowing the human animal,if you caused their pain, you'll know it from your last conversation with them.

 

[winos5]

Stiop beating yourself up and quit worrying aboot stepping on toes so much. Accept the gift and call your friend. Quit worrying what they will think. Its okay to make yourself happy.

 

[sth]

I agree with the consensus.



Issue 1: If this person meant to send this as a heartfelt gift I say take it. You said that you think they meant this to make your life better, and they are trying to make you happy. Also your friends seem to think you deserve it. Finally like the other people said if this person tries to leverage you or anything tell them to **** off.



Issue 2: It is always hard when friends lose contact. The question is do you want to make first contact? Sometimes people don't want to look like they have to always make the first move when talking to someone. But if you really want to talk to someone you should just go for it. And if they still don't answer you, then it's their loss. Don't blame yourself for someone else's actions, you said you did nothing wrong. I don't know if that helped much.

 

[LordKOTL]

Agreeing with the herd here...just something to add to scenario #2:



People come into your life for a reason, and when there's no more reason for them to be there, trying to keep them there usually breeds animosity and comtempt; not to mention a burnt bridge. Thus, if you contact them and it seems strained, don't take it personally. Just go on with your life and if there's a reason in the future you'll find them again and become friends again.

 

[bri]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond to me. I truly appreciate your input. Most people that I have talked to seem to be on the same page.