Need To Call My Mother

[Sunbiz1]

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."

To that the man asks, "Anything?" And the blonde says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.

He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"

 

[JTRaines92]

Story made me get a woody until the last sentence.

 

[Sunbiz1]

This will be my joke thread if you all are OK w/it, will add from time to time.

Golf Lessions
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're
supposed to!"

 

[Stapler]

A truck driver see's this billboard that says, "Granny's Whorehouse; good looking girls 24 hours." Feeling so enclinded, he follows the exit signs to a little out of the way place, walks in the door and says, "Well here I am Granny, where's all the good looking girls?"

A 90 year old woman is rocking in her chair in the middle of the room and says, "I'm the only one working tonight, honey."

Of course the truck driver says, "Well Hell Granny, I don't want to **** you; you're too old and dried out!"

She says, "Oh no honey, I gave that up years ago!" Then she pops out her glass eye and says, "Just stick your thing in here honey."

After some convincing to give it a try, she rocks back and forth, the truckdriver bust his nut and exclaims, "Damn Granny, that's the best I've ever had. The next time I'm back this way, I'll stop in and see you."

Granny says, "I'll keep an eye out for you honey."

 

[Sunbiz1]

Now this one was good!


You Must Be in the Fifth



A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female
teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet,
one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the
urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting
the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess
you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."

 

[Tony Danza]

Great jokes so far.:turtle:

 

[Iwritecode]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen bucks, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," was the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

[Happy Human 1001]

Oldie but a goodie...

Man wakes up in the morning, sees a gorilla in the tree outside his window.
Calls up the zoo. "I got your gorilla in the tree outside my window."
Zoo says, "Okay, we'll send a man right over."
Man says, "Waitaminit! Waitaminit! That's a big gorilla! It's gonna take more than one man to get it outta the tree!"
Comes a knock on the door. Little guy from the zoo says, "Okay, buddy. Here's our plan."
Man says, "Waitaminit! Waitaminit! What do you mean--our plan? That's your gorilla, you get it out of the tree."
Little guy from the zoo says, "Don't worry, buddy. You got the easy part. You stay on the ground. I got the hard part. I climb up in the tree. Okay. I got a shotgun, a broom handle, a savage Dalmatian dog, and a pair of handcuffs. I climb up in the tree, I push the gorilla out with the broom handle. The gorilla hits the ground. The dog runs over and bites the gorilla on the balls. The gorilla screams and throws his hands up in the air. You run over, slap on the cuffs, and I take him back to the zoo."
"Waitaminit! Waitaminit!" the man says. "What's the shotgun for?"
"Listen, buddy. If I fall out of the tree instead of that gorilla, shoot the dog!"

 

[Sunbiz1]

I've posted this one before, but for the benefit of the many new members:

The Gorilla and the Redneck.

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions

1. "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

2. "Second," he said, "You can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00

 

[Sunbiz1]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

 

[Sunbiz1]

Black Halloween Costume

NOTE: Please do not read if you are easily offended by racial jokes.

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2x4 The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!"

 

[Sunbiz1]

One more:

Arthur Davidson in Heaven

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven".
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the throne room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Oh, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

There is too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust, and finally,
The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours".

 

[malcore]

Granny says, "I'll keep an eye out for you honey."

Damn Stapler, I remember my older brother and I sharing these old dirty jokes in our bunk beds late at night a looong time ago. That exact joke and this one I also recall:

[video=youtube;8gONnixa-H8]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gONnixa-H8[/video]


Serious old time redneck humour.

 

[Sunbiz1]

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day:There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

[Sunbiz1]

Drink Driving:

An Irishman who had a shitload to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."