Emails from an asshole

[TSD]

This is F'in hilarious. This guy responds to and posts craigslist adds with all kinds of ridiculous shit, it is insane, been laughing my ass off all morning.



http://dontevenreply.com/index.php





heres an example one from the top:



From Me to *********@**********.org:



Hey there!



I'm trying to get rid of a bunch of movies I've had since I was a kid. The movie stores won't take them, and it would be a shame for me to just throw them out. I'd love to pass them on to people who can enjoy them. Let me know if you are interested.



Mike



From Julia ****** to Me:



Mike - Which movies do you have and how much do you want for them?



From Me to Julia ******:



Julia,



Here is the full list:



Alvin and the Chipmunks

Alladin

Backdoor Creampies 2

Beauty and the Beast

Big Black Threesome

Fantasia

Finally 18 and Legal

The Lion King

Mattress Slaves 3

The Mighty Ducks

Toy Story

Wet Squirters 5



Please let me know which ones you want.



Thanks,



Mike



From Julia ****** to Me:



Mike...some of those titles are inappropriate.



From Me to Julia ******:



Julia,



Which titles are inappropriate?



Mike



From Julia ****** to Me:



I think you know which ones...



From Me to Julia ******:



Are you talking about Fantasia? I know, I thought it was a Vietnam war movie too. I assure you it has nothing to do with Asia and is completely appropriate for children. The only other title I think you are referring to as inappropriate is The Lion King, but I think you are confusing that with "The Scorpion King," the violent movie starring Dwayne Johnson. While the Lion King does have adult themes, it is nothing like The Scorpion King.



I hope this clears things up.



Mike



From Julia ****** to Me:



No...explain to me how these movies are for children??? Backdoor Creampies, Big Black Threesome, Finally 18 and Legal, Mattress Slaves 3, Wet Squirters 5. It sounds to me like you are trying to throw out your porn collection.



From Me to Julia ******:



Pornography? What a disgusting accusation! What kind of a person do you think I am? You have a really perverted mind if you think those movies are adult films.



You've really never heard of those movies? Where was your childhood? I'll find the plot summaries for you.



Backdoor Creampies - Cindy, a little girl with big ambitions, decides to open a bakery in her parents kitchen - selling pies to children who come to her backyard. Cindy learns that running a business isn't all fun and games in this hilarious tale of entrepreneurship.



Big Black Threesome - Barry, Billy and Bernie are three lovable black bears who have zany adventures during their quest for honey.



Finally 18 and Legal - A coming of age story about a young girl who becomes an independent woman.



Mattress Slaves 3 - Part 3 of the shocking documentary about slave labor in the mattress industry of third world countries. (Acceptable for kids, and in my opinion, a necessity to educate them on some real world issues. I never bought a foreign mattress again after this eye-opener.)



Wet Squirters 5 - The Squirters gang is back again in this heartwarming tale about a group of whales who try to find their long lost father in a vast ocean of wet sea critters.



Once again, I hope this clears things up for you.



Mike



From Julia ****** to Me:



You expect me to believe that all of those movies simply have unfortunate titles? Nice try.



From Me to Julia ******:



Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?



By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:



Toy Story 2

James and the Giant Peach

Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3



Mike



From Julia ****** to Me:



Okay I've had enough of this. You are a nut.



From Me to Julia ******:



Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.



From Julia ****** to Me:



Go to hell.

 

[supraman]

Okay site is blocked at work post more. That was funny.

 

[chasman]

Maybe he should donate them to the local grade school.

 

[Larmer83]

I was getting a good laugh, then I got to this title.

Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3

Too funny.

 

[genefoley]

Sorry to disappoint your sick mind Julia, but yes, they are all children's movies. So do you want them or not?



By the way, I just found 3 more movies to add to the collection I am offering:



Toy Story 2

James and the Giant Peach

Walt Disney's Double Penetration Cockblasts 3



Mike



From Julia ****** to Me:



Okay I've had enough of this. You are a nut.



From Me to Julia ******:



Think of the children, Julia. They will never get to enjoy these classic films because of you.



From Julia ****** to Me:



Go to hell.

 

[Tater]

LMAO!!!

I didn't hit the link but just read what you pasted.

Good thing my boss is at lunch.

 

[supraman]

The question is are the Cockblast flicks animated or live action?

 

[bri]

What no Pinocchio? I t does have the original Geppediphile.

 

[sth]

That one is ok. But the one with the CD player had me dying. That one is hilarious.

 

[supraman]

Paste them in here assholes

 

[MassHavoc]

Why do you want us to paste our assholes in here?

 

[TSD]

Paste them in here assholes

im in a meeting right now ill post more when i get a chance.

 

[supraman]

im in a meeting right now ill post more when i get a chance.

Yay entertainment

 

[supraman]

Why do you want us to paste our assholes in here?

Need something to whack it to, figure your cinnamon rings outta do

 

[TSD]

Original ad:

We are in need of someone who can fix our hot tub. If you know what you are doing, it is probably a fairly easy fix. The hot tub is about 11 years old and has a cracked pipe and a broken pipe. Also, some of the jets are not working (may be related to the pipe). We will pay for the parts. Please respond with an estimate for the cost of labor.​

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From Me to ********@**********.org:



Hello,



I am a certified hot tub repair technician and would be happy to help fix your hot tub. Please let me know if you are still looking for someone.



Thanks,



Mike



From Ellen ****** to Me:



Mike,



How much will you charge to fix it?



Ellen



From Me to Ellen ******:



Helen,



It seems like a simple fix, but it will be time consuming. I could charge you money, but I am more interested in barter, if you are willing to hear me out.



Mike



From Ellen ****** to Me:



Mike,



What are you looking to barter?



ELLEN



From Me to Ellen ******:



Helen,



All I want in return for fixing your hot tub is to let me use it occasionally when I am on a date.



I find it much easier to get chicks from the bar to come back to my place if I tell them I have a hot tub. The problem is, I live in a basement apartment and do not have a hot tub. Hot tubs are great for getting chicks drunk; something about drinking in a hot tub makes them get completely shitfaced without even knowing it. I don't know the science behind it, but it is a proven fact that bitches get more drunk in a hot tub. Before you know it, these chicks are passed out drunk and ready to ****.



Don't worry, I won't need to use your house or anything when I get my **** on; I usually just bang them in the back of my truck and drop them off at a McDonalds.



So basically, in return for fixing your hot tub, all I ask is that you let me use it for 2-3 hours about four or five times a week.



Please let me know if this sounds fair to you.



Mike



From Ellen ****** to Me:



Absolutely not. Are you joking?



ELLEN



From Me to Ellen ******:



Helen,



Why not? I promise I won't pee in the hot tub. If I accidentally do, I promise I will add extra chlorine to balance out the urine levels. I won't shit in your hot tub either. If I have to take a shit, I'll do it in your bushes. Shit makes for great fertilizer.



Please help me out here. I can't use the old hot tub I used to go to because I was informed that I would be arrested if I stepped foot on that property again. I assure you I will have your hot tub running like new once I fix it.



Mike



From Ellen ****** to Me:



The concern of you pissing in my hot tub didnt even cross my mind, but I'm just going to add that to the list of reasons why I am against this. Most importantly - I will not let some creep bring women back to my house to rape them in my hot tub!



From Me to Ellen ******:



Whoa there, who said anything about rape? This is purely consensual.



From Ellen ****** to Me:



You said you wait until they pass out to have sex with them!



From Me to Ellen ******:



In the state of Pennsylvania, the law states that if you can get the girl back to a hot tub, it is considered to be sexual consent.



Look Helen, I'm just trying to fix your hot tub. Not get a lecture on ethics. Do you want your hot tub fixed or not?



Mike



From Ellen ****** to Me:



Not by you, you creep! and my name is ELLEN not Helen, you ****!



From Me to Ellen ******:



My apologies, Ellen. I assumed you had made a typo when writing out your name. Now how about answering my question?



From Ellen ****** to Me:



Go **** yourself, loser.

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[Shantz My Pants]

I used to read the site awhile back, but its unfortunately not updated frequently enough where I remember to go back every week.



My favorite is the Dishwasher email.

 

[MassHavoc]

That has to be one of the most disturbing posts I've ever seen... ever. And I still gave you a +1 for it. Not sure how I feel about that.

 

[TSD]

most of the best ones have images so you will have to wait until you get off work.

 

[TSD]

Original ad:

Do not Use Lenny the Mechanic:

He has an ad on here for car repairs and I asked him to fix my blown head gasket. He showed up to my house, broke a bunch of parts and left. He has been avoiding me ever since. DO NOT USE THIS GUY.

Lenny, if you are reading this, you owe me an explanation.​

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From Me to ***************@***********.org:



Hey,



My apologies for bailing on your car. I know I have been hard to contact; I lost my phone and had to get a new e-mail address. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make it up to you.



Lenny



From **********@gmail.com to Me:



You could start by explaining yourself...



From Me to **********@gmail.com:



Well, I was pretty baked when I showed up, and I had just eaten a bag of shrooms and taken three hits of acid. I thought I would be able to fix your car before the shrooms and acid kicked in, but I was wrong. While I was disconnecting the sensors, I started tripping pretty hard. At one point it looked like the intake manifold was laughing at me. I freaked out and bashed it with a socket wrench, and then ran back to my car and got the hell out of there. I'm not sure what happened after that. The next thing I remember is waking up naked in a church confessional booth two days later. When I got back to my house, the State Police were there and told me they found my car abandoned in a car wash about 50 miles away. Needless to say, it has been a crazy weekend for me. That is why I was unable to fix your car.



From **********@gmail.com to Me:



Uh...not sure what to take from all that. You deemed it a good idea to take drugs before working on my car because...why?



From Me to **********@gmail.com:



Honestly I forgot I had to work on your car. I remembered after I took the shrooms and acid. Once I get my car back from the police, I should be able to come over and finish working on your car. Oh by the way, sorry about the dump I took on your lawn. I was too embarrassed to go inside and ask to use the bathroom because it would have been obvious that I was tripping.



From **********@gmail.com to Me:



Unbelievable. I don't want you to do any more work on my car. I do want you to pay for the damage you did to my car. If you don't, I will take you to small claims court.



From Me to **********@gmail.com:



Whoa man, why are you being such a dick? Not cool. If anything, you should be paying me. I seriously fucked up my hand when I hit your intake manifold with the wrench. It feels like I fractured it. I don't have any health insurance, and seeing as I got injured under your employment, I think you are obligated to pay for my medical bills.



From **********@gmail.com to Me:



Not a chance in hell. I think all those drugs you took fried your brain - you're fucked in the head if you think any of this is acceptable. If you don't pay the damages, we are going to have a problem.



From Me to **********@gmail.com:



I have another eighth of shrooms I can give you...will that cover it?



From Me to **********@gmail.com:



I'll take that as a yes?​

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[supraman]

That has to be one of the most disturbing posts I've ever seen... ever. And I still gave you a +1 for it. Not sure how I feel about that.

+1 for you good sir. I am glad I broke you