Emails from an asshole

[Shoots_he_scores]

Original ad:

LARGE CRIB WANTED

I need a large(tall) crib for my 9 month old. The crib I have right now is too small - he keeps climbing out! I need a crib that is too high for my baby to get out of it. Please respond with pictures. Contact Julia @ ********@verizon.net

From Me to ********@verizon.net:



Hey Julia,



I may have the perfect crib for you. It is a very large crib that has some features to prevent your baby from escaping. Please let me know if you are interested.



Thanks,



Mike



From Julia ******** to Me:



How big is it? Do you have any pictures of it?



From Me to Julia ********:



Julia,



It is very large. As I said, it has modifications to prevent escape. The entire top perimeter of the crib has been reinforced with a metal frame that is connected to a car battery. When someone tries to escape the crib, they will be given a gentile electric shock, which will discourage them from attempting to climb out of the crib again. The price includes a 12 volt car battery, but a higher-voltage battery can always be purchased, depending on how fat your child is. Here is a picture of the setup:

I am currently using the crib for one of my friends who happens to be a midget. He tends to frequently get drunk and violent, so we put him in this crib when he starts getting belligerent. The battery works great for keeping him in, so I am assuming it will work great for your child. The only reason I am getting rid of it is because the midget was recently arrested for arson, so he won't be around for a while.



I have something else that you may be interested in as well. Are you tired of waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of your baby crying? With this clever device, you won't even have to get out of bed to calm your baby.

It is a little mobile that I invented called "The Lullibinator." Simply hang it above the crib, and the microphone will detect when the baby is crying. If the crying reaches a certain decibel level, the box will spray a calming mist of pepper spray into the crib. It trains your baby not to cry in no time! It worked great on the midget when he started yelling. It comes with 2% CS pepper spray, which is practically harmless. It can be upgraded to bear mace if your child continues to cry. I have decorated the Lullibinator with friendly smiley faces to comfort your baby.



I am asking $50 for the Lullibinator, and $250 for the crib/battery combo. Let me know if you want to set up a time to stop by and check this stuff out.



Thanks,



Mike



From Julia ******** to Me:



Oh my god



From Julia ******** to Me:



Please tell me you're kidding. You're kidding, right?



From Me to Julia ********:



Julia,



Why would I be kidding? I thought $250 was more than reasonable. I got a lot of use out of these things before social services took my kid away. I still do whenever the midget comes over.



Mike



From Julia ******** to Me:



I...don't know what to say to you. You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. How dare you ever think that I would use this for my child. Don't you ever e-mail me again, you scumbag.



From Me to Julia ********:



Julia,



I've been called some harsh things for my haggling tactics, but you seem to have been very offended by the price I have offered. I am sorry; I had no intention of offending you. I will drop the total price to $200 for everything, and I'll even throw this in for free:

Now you won't have to get up to give your baby a bottle when he is thirsty. This handy crib-bottle will allow your baby to quench his thirst any time he wants. It doesn't have to necessarily be filled with tequila (like I said, this crib was set up for a midget). It can easily be filled with Gatorade, breast milk, or whatever else your baby prefers. Throw in a can of food and the baby can practically live on his own!



Please let me know when you are going to pick this stuff up. I am going to Atlantic City for the weekend, so I need you to get it before I leave.



Thanks,



Mike

 

[TSD]

Original ad:

I need a whole roll of carpet doesnt matter what kind will pay cash i need it fast​

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From Me to ***********@*************.org:



Hey,



Do you still need rolls of carpet? I have a deal worked out with a carpet wholesaler and can get you as many carpets as you need.



Thanks,



Mike



From *********@comcast.net to Me:



yeah I just need one how much do you want for it



From Me to *********@comcast.net:



I am asking $50 for the roll of carpet. It sounds like you also need some cleaning supplies. Luckily, I also sell gloves, mops, buckets, spray bottles, garbage bags, as well as disinfectants, odor removal chemicals, and enzyme solvents, in case you are interested in any of that.



Mike



From *********@comcast.net to Me:



what? I dont need any of that just the rug



From Me to *********@comcast.net:



Are you sure? It sounds like you need this rug to take care of a "problem", and you might want the cleaning supplies to clean up the rest of that problem.



Mike



From *********@comcast.net to Me:



my only problem is that i need this carpet and you are trying to sell me cleaning stuff



From Me to *********@comcast.net:



Look, you don't have to fool me. There is only one reason to urgently need a rug. It is pretty clear that you killed someone and need to get rid of them.



I've been there, man...whether it is a friend who overdosed on drugs, or a dead hooker, it is important that you clean everything up. You can't just roll them up in a carpet and forget about them. Don't worry, I can help you.



Mike



From *********@comcast.net to Me:



i didnt kill a hooker what the hell is wrong with you? i need the carpet for my apartment to replace my old stained carpet so i dont get screwed on my security deposit which is why i need it fast



From Me to *********@comcast.net:



Hey man, I'm not one to judge you. I understand that accidents happen. Maybe she didn't tell you when to stop choking her, or maybe you didn't realize that roofie you slipped in her Cosmo was actually cyanide. Either way, a dead hooker isn't the end of the world. Hookers die all the time; it comes with their line of work. The important thing is to stay calm and make sure that you clean everything up.



You have a good cover story with the security deposit. You are smart to get rid of the old blood-stained carpet, but you still will need my cleaning supplies. A small blood stain on the top of the rug is usually a much larger stain underneath the rug, and you can't simply put a new rug on top of it. With my dead hooker cleanup package, it comes with everything you need to clean up the "accident" and make it look like it never happened. The entire package, including the rug, will only cost you $100.



You should act soon before it is too late!



Mike



From *********@comcast.net to Me:



is everyone on craigslist this crazy or is it just you? all i want is the carpet and you are being a huge pain in my ass. ill find one from someone who isnt a goddamn psycho​

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[TSD]

</p>

<div class="mainpost_ad" style="padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px; padding-bottom: 15px; padding-left: 15px; background-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); font-size: 14px; font-family: Arial; margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; ">Original ad:


Hey there! My roommate and I are looking for another housemate. We live in a large apartment in Upper Darby. There are two bedrooms and a spacious living area. The rent is $250 a month, which includes cable, internet, electric, and water.





My roommate and I are both vegans and will only live with another vegan. IF YOU AREN'T A VEGAN, YOU NEED NOT APPLY. We are looking for someone who will help with the cooking, in addition to the rent.





If you are a vegan and want to live with two vegans who respect your personal space, please e-mail us. Include some information about yourself, including your source of income.


</div>

<div class="mainpost_content" style="font-size: 14px; font-family: Arial; margin-top: 10px; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px; padding-top: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-bottom: 5px; padding-left: 5px; border-top-width: 1px; border-right-width: 1px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-left-width: 1px; border-top-style: solid; border-right-style: solid; border-bottom-style: solid; border-left-style: solid; border-top-color: rgb(221, 221, 221); border-right-color: rgb(221, 221, 221); border-bottom-color: rgb(221, 221, 221); border-left-color: rgb(221, 221, 221); ">From Me to ***********@***********.org:





Hey,





I saw your ad, and I can't tell you how happy I was to see that there are fellow vegans looking for a roommate. It is so hard to find someone to live with who respects my way of life. Are you guys still looking for someone to live with?





Mike





From Joanna ******** to Me:





Yes, we still are seeking a third housemate. Can you tell us about yourself?





From Me to Joanna ********:





Well, I am a 24 year old male, and I am currently make a living by being employed. It pays well. Now, as I said earlier, I am a hardcore vegan. I totally respect your lifestyle, but I will occasionally eat a veal burger, maybe two or three times a week. I hope that isn't a big deal. If it is, I can eat it outside, but I will still need to cook it in the kitchen. But besides that, I am easy to get along with. I love watching TV. I hope you guys like CSPAN and late night HBO as much as I do. I also love music, and think I will be a great addition to your apartment.





Mike





From Joanna ******** to Me:





You're not a vegan if you eat veal. Seriously, veal? That is perhaps the single worst thing a vegan can eat. Calves that are raised to become veal are ripped from their mothers at birth so they get anemia. Then they are starved of milk, food, and exercise. They often are put in crates so they cannot move at all; they just stand and suffer until their ultimate death. Veal goes against everything veganism stands for. How you even consider calling yourself a vegan astounds me.





From Me to Joanna ********:





Well thanks for the veal history lesson. My ex used to ***** to me about veal all the time, so I know all about it. Frankly, I think that is why I enjoy veal. Knowing that the calf suffered so much to make himself that much more tender and delicious for me makes it worth every bite. If I didn't eat veal, it would probably expire and be thrown away. Then, the calf would have died in vein. You wouldn't want that, would you. Seriously, veal isn't that bad. They give the calf a nice safe home to live in. Would you rather they just let the calf just be let loose out in the wild? Then, it would probably be killed by a lion or something. By supporting veal, you are supporting the safe life of cows everywhere.





Seeing as how you got all uppity about the veal, I guess I should tell you that I own two shotguns and an assault rifle for hunting and will need to store them in the apartment. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but I may as well tell you everything. Don't worry though, both the shotguns are registered and the assault rifle has the serial numbers filed off of it so it doesn't have to be registered.





From Joanna ******** to Me:





Don't worry, you don't need to tell me anything else because you aren't going to live with us. I highly doubt there is anything about your life that even makes you close to being a vegan. You're argument sounds like something a twelve-year-old would say. You're clearly just claiming to be vegan to live in a cheap apartment. If you really think you are vegan, think again. Vegans don't hunt, idiot.





From Me to Joanna ********:





C'mon, it isn't like I'm eating the animals after I kill them. I just kill them because I hate deer. I can't tell you how many times I've stepped in deer shit - they shit everywhere. They are worse than old people. One time my little brother ate some deer shit because he thought it was beans. We had to take him to the hospital to get him tested for Lyme disease. I'm just killing deer to make Pennsylvania a better, safer place for children. I'm not eating them, so relax. I still don't eat chicken or burgers or any of that shit. You are really picky about the vegans that you want to live with. So when is the lease for your place up? I'm looking for a place to live for about five or six months, and the sooner I can move in, the better.





From Joanna ******** to Me:





YOU'RE NOT A VEGAN!





From Joanna ******** to Me:





Not eating certain kinds of meat doesn't make you a vegan. Veganism is a lifestyle which prohibits using any kind of animal product, be it food, clothes, or anything else. Hunting is absolutely unacceptable and your reasons for hunting are ridiculous. You won't be living at my apartment so give it up.





From Me to Joanna ********:





Wow, I never thought I would find someone as pretentious as Bono, but you take the cake. Next time I bite into a savory beef brisket, I'll think of you. </div>

 

[TSD]

</p>

<div class="mainpost_ad" style="padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px; padding-bottom: 15px; padding-left: 15px; background-color: rgb(238, 238, 238); font-size: 14px; font-family: Arial; margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 10px; ">Original ad:


Need your lawn mowed? I own a Ride-on mower and offer professional mowing for an affordable price. Price is generally $30 per hour based on services. I offer discounts for larger plots of land. E-mail or call me to discuss.





***************@gmail.com


(302)-***-****</div>

<div class="mainpost_content" style="font-size: 14px; font-family: Arial; margin-top: 10px; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px; padding-top: 5px; padding-right: 5px; padding-bottom: 5px; padding-left: 5px; border-top-width: 1px; border-right-width: 1px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-left-width: 1px; border-top-style: solid; border-right-style: solid; border-bottom-style: solid; border-left-style: solid; border-top-color: rgb(221, 221, 221); border-right-color: rgb(221, 221, 221); border-bottom-color: rgb(221, 221, 221); border-left-color: rgb(221, 221, 221); ">From Me to ***************@gmail.com:





Hey,





My yard is 5 acres and I would like to work out some kind of regular mowing schedule. How much will you charge for five acres? Do you come weekly? Please let me know.





Thanks,





Mike





From Rob ***** to Me:





Hey Mike. Where do you live? Yes, I come weekly. I charge by the hour, but a rough estimate would be around $45 depending on if you want me to do trimming as well.





From Me to Rob *****:





Sounds good Rob. I'm located off of Naaman's road, near the 202 intersection. I would like you to trim around my sidewalk and patio, so I guess you should factor that into the price. I just need you to sign a waiver before you mow my lawn for the first time. Let me know when you would be able to do this.





Thanks,





Mike





From Rob ***** to Me:





Why do you need me to sign a waiver?





From Me to Rob *****:





The last couple of dumbass landscapers I had working for me sued me for injuries that were their own fault. I am just covering my ass so I don't have to deal with these damn settlements anymore. As long as you use common sense, the waiver won't even have to come into play.





From Rob ***** to Me:





Forgive me for asking but how were they injured? I find it peculiar that you have been sued by landscapers.





From Me to Rob *****:





Well, let me just say that I inherited this property from my grandfather when he passed away. He was a war veteran and a little bit eccentric when it came to guns. Long story short, he buried a bunch of land mines in his backyard. I had no idea until the first idiot mowing my lawn ran over one and it exploded. He lost his right leg and then sued me like a little whining baby, claiming it was my fault.





The waiver pretty much says you won't sue me if you hurt yourself by detonating a mine.





From Rob ***** to Me:





Why would anyone in their right mind agree to that? He had every right to sue you. There is no reason for land mines in Delaware.





From Me to Rob *****:





Like I said, just use common sense and don't run over the mines. They are Valmara 69 mines, so you can see a bunch of little prongs poking out of the ground. Just drive your lawn mower around any if you see them. There might not even be any left. Some could even be duds - these are very old mines. Just forget about the mines and sign the waiver. I don't work on Wednesday, we can meet then to sign the papers.





From Rob ***** to Me:





I will never agree to this. Not in a million years. I don't know who you should call but it is definitely not a landscaper.





From Me to Rob *****:





You said you had a ride-on mower, right? These are anti-personnel mines, not anti-tank mines. Meaning your mower can probably withstand the blast. The mines weren't made to disable enemy German lawnmowers. The jackass that blew his leg off was using a self-propelled mower. How about this: you can just sign the waiver for personal injury. I'll cover the cost of repairs if the mine ends up damaging your mower.





From Rob ***** to Me:





I value my life, so no thanks. If you ask me, I think you are the jackass for expecting anyone to mow your lawn given the circumstances.





From Me to Rob *****:





Apparently they just don't make landscapers like they used to anymore. I remember when landscaping was a real man's job, and there was no lawn that couldn't be mowed. Now everyone is such a little ***** about everything. "Waaaahhh! I dont want my wittle wawn mower to bwow up!" Would you sue me if a bee stung you while you were mowing my lawn, or if you got mauled by fire ants? Do I have to go to court if you forget to wear a jacket and catch a cold while mowing my lawn? C'mon man, suck it up and do your job.





From Rob ***** to Me:





Dear Mike,





**** you.





Rob</div>

 

[TSD]

WTF! why did the formatting stop working?

 

[R K]

I don't know but the entire office would like to know why I'm laughing my ass off! Well done!





My names Ellen, not Helen, you ****!

 

[TSD]

This one is hilarious. I former Contract driver in iraq and afghanistan agrees to shuttle someones daughter home from soccer practice.



http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=62

 

[TSD]

Basic Weapons Training:



http://dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=45

 

[mikita's helmet]

This is F'in hilarious. This guy responds to and posts craigslist adds with all kinds of ridiculous shit, it is insane, been laughing my ass off all morning.

When I read the thread title, I thought this was another thread about your brother.

 

[ytsejam]

I haven't been there in awhile but that is a good site.

I like the "horse farm" one, the one about the "cat traps", and the "racist microwave buyer" the best.



Badass of the Week is pretty funny too.



My favorite from there:



Voytek the Soldier Bear



Rasputin and Odysseus are some of my other favorites.

 

[jaxhawksfan]

Thanks for starting the thread. These are funny as hell.

 

[Ymono37]

The Vegan one had me near-crying it was so funny.

 

[supraman]

He is a hardcore vegan afterall

 

[agenthehe]

This one is hilarious. I former Contract driver in iraq and afghanistan agrees to shuttle someones daughter home from soccer practice.



http://dontevenreply...iew.php?post=62

I totally forgot about this site, I used to read these all the time. This one is one of the best!

 

[dlrob315]

Not a crazy email but a crazy thread!



Could an alien raise a human baby?



Post subject: Ot: Could an alien raise a human baby?

Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 10:48 am



wesjoenixon:



It hit me during the last Rams game that if an alien race were to get their hands on a human baby there may be problems in raising it. These aliens with the big heads and little bodies are probably some sort of plant/animal hybrid race and most likely lack digestive systems. So they probably just brush pure vitamin compounds on their skins like butter on a pastry for their nutritional needs. And what are they going to do to feed the baby, offer it a jar of vitamin d to rub on its forearms? Please.