How abusive are MS/HS coaches allowed to be?

[Warrior Spirit]

My youngest son is in the 8th grade and playing on the Middle School Lacrosse team. I'm not being overly biased when I say he's probably the greatest kid on the planet yet this coach seems to hate him. Every game, the coach can be heard by all constantly yelling at my most awesome son, blaming him for everything that goes wrong and will even give him shit when he scores and sometimes even pulls him out of the game for a few minutes as punishment for something stupid. I've asked my boy before why that is and he would just blow it off and say the coach just expects more from him than the others. But today, after the game, he tells me the coach also constantly calls him names but he didn't want to tell me before cause he doesn't want me to confront the fat bastard and figured it doesn't matter now cause it's so near the end of the season and school year. What's odd is, and I'm not exaggerating at all, my son is easily the best player on the team. He scores about 70% of their goals and the rest of the team is just not that good. They win some but have lost their fair share of games mostly cause their goalie is like an open door that lets everything in so if they're not winning the majority of the face offs, they're not going to win the game.

So, I'll give you a good example from today's game. The opposing team was looking a bit smaller and weaker than usual so was expecting the easy win for a change. Our team was up 4-1 (3 goals and 1 assist by my athletically gifted son) with about 3 minutes left in the game. Our team had the ball and my son runs the same old play that fat ass coach can usually be heard yelling for him to run and he scores again. Then the coach takes him out for the last couple of minutes and I think nothing of it cause the game is out of reach with little time left. Come to find out when he took him out he had some choice words for him as he got to the sideline. He told him that was not the play he told him to run and then called him a selfish prick. "Dickhead" is another thing he often calls him. My first impulse is to resort to violence with this obese POS but my son much prefer to let it go and really isn't deterred by fat bastard's antics.

All my kids play sports to some degree and you always see these type coaches that want to be the cliche loud mouth tough guy types as if their nonsensical act does their team any good. Where is the line drawn when dealing with kids this young in today's PC world? Even at the HS level, it would seem inappropriate to be that abusive. My daughter's HS basketball coach would get abusive as well and would curse up a storm and let the insults fly but wouldn't resort to the name calling. He didn't hate her either. It all actually worked out very well for her as she got several college offers and recently committed to one.

I'm sure there's other people here who have kids who play sports in school and have seen what I speak of. Where do you draw the line with these loudmouth obnoxious coaches?

 

[Hawkeye OG]

I could see this level of verbal abuse at the Varsity level, especially in some larger schools but it sounds pretty uncalled for in 7th grade imo. Half of them probably don't even have hair on their balls yet. I'd wait till the end of the season and then tell him to piss off.

 

[Xuder O'Clam]

I'd concentrate on being proud of your son's response, and not letting up on field. Sounds like a good kid.

Never mind your juvenile impulses to violence.

 

[Warden of the Northeast]

My youngest son is in the 7th grade and playing on the Middle School Lacrosse team. I'm not being overly biased when I say he's probably the greatest kid on the planet yet this coach seems to hate him. Every game, the coach can be heard by all constantly yelling at my most awesome son, blaming him for everything that goes wrong and will even give him shit when he scores and sometimes even pulls him out of the game for a few minutes as punishment for something stupid. I've asked my boy before why that is and he would just blow it off and say the coach just expects more from him than the others. But today, after the game, he tells me the coach also constantly calls him names but he didn't want to tell me before cause he doesn't want me to confront the fat bastard and figured it doesn't matter now cause it's so near the end of the season and school year. What's odd is, and I'm not exaggerating at all, my son is easily the best player on the team. He scores about 70% of their goals and the rest of the team is just not that good. They win some but have lost their fair share of games mostly cause their goalie is like an open door that lets everything in so if they're not winning the majority of the face offs, they're not going to win the game.

So, I'll give you a good example from today's game. The opposing team was looking a bit smaller and weaker than usual so was expecting the easy win for a change. Our team was up 4-1 (3 goals and 1 assist by my athletically gifted son) with about 3 minutes left in the game. Our team had the ball and my son runs the same old play that fat ass coach can usually be heard yelling for him to run and he scores again. Then the coach takes him out for the last couple of minutes and I think nothing of it cause the game is out of reach with little time left. Come to find out when he took him out he had some choice words for him as he got to the sideline. He told him that was not the play he told him to run and then called him a selfish prick. "Dickhead" is another thing he often calls him. My first impulse is to resort to violence with this obese POS but my son much prefer to let it go and really isn't deterred by fat bastard's antics.

All my kids play sports to some degree and you always see these type coaches that want to be the cliche loud mouth tough guy types as if their nonsensical act does their team any good. Where is the line drawn when dealing with kids this young in today's PC world? Even at the HS level, it would seem inappropriate to be that abusive. My daughter's HS basketball coach would get abusive as well and would curse up a storm and let the insults fly but wouldn't resort to the name calling. He didn't hate her either. It all actually worked out very well for her as she got several college offers and recently committed to one.

I'm sure there's other people here who have kids who play sports in school and have seen what I speak of. Where do you draw the line with these loudmouth obnoxious coaches?

Maybe the fat bastard is jealous that your son rocks at something he could never do. He probably sucked at playing lacrosse so he's probably green with envy.

 

[Xuder O'Clam]

Maybe the fat bastard is jealous that your son rocks at something he could never do. He probably sucked at playing lacrosse so he's probably green with envy.

It's usually the coaches who were good athletes when young, who did nothing with it, are left to coaching MS, and dealing with their alcohol problem due to unrealized or squandered potential, who usually lean on young stars on their teams , with a vicarious sense of worth mixed with extreme bitterness toward the youngster making him look good/bad.

 

[Burque]

No, I don't have kids, but no. When you are playing sports at a young age any verbal abuse should be out of the question.

Those things are more appropriate in late high school and college level when your child is basically a functional adult, but before that is the nope zone imho.

In your situation the coach and I would have a very civil but direct conversation.

Again, I don't have kids yet, but honestly this is kinda why I don't have kids yet.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk

 

[Warrior Spirit]

I could see this level of verbal abuse at the Varsity level, especially in some larger schools but it sounds pretty uncalled for in 7th grade imo. Half of them probably don't even have hair on their balls yet. I'd wait till the end of the season and then tell him to piss off.

My thinking exactly. Oops, did I say 7th grade? He's in 8th. My youngest daughter in 7th. So I figure at the end of the year I'll just talk to the guy and see what his problem was. Then next year my son can forget about him and leave him behind as he goes into HS.

 

[Xuder O'Clam]

You could take a page from the Patriots and video him on the sideline, then show it to him.

You know your son best. Sparty. What's his genuine take, in your estimation? Is it getting to him, or does he kind of like being the "One" on the team? If you feel it is getting to him, you have to have a word, for his sake.

 

[Ares]

You should just murder this coach and let Bigfoot coach your son's team.

I am your God, you have to do it now.

 

[Warrior Spirit]

You could take a page from the Patriots and video him on the sideline, then show it to him.

You know your son best. Sparty. What's his genuine take, in your estimation? Is it getting to him, or does he kind of like being the "One" on the team? If you feel it is getting to him, you have to have a word, for his sake.

That approach is the type of thing that really negatively affects my oldest daughter but, like I said, her coach wasn't as abusive and really likes her a lot and helped sell her to those colleges that offered her scholarships so that has worked out well.

My son is able to blow that shit off though. Even though his lacrosse coach is as abusive as I've seen, it seems to be only my son he goes to that next level of name calling with. He plays football and basketball as well so he gets how coaches will often get loud and demanding and that's never bothered him. It doesn't get him down and it doesn't prevent him from taking shots even when he's being called a selfish prick. He told me he wouldn't even think much of the name calling if the coach did it to the other players as well but he doesn't so that makes it more disturbing to him.

 

[Houston]

Tell him "relax, it's just lacrosse."

 

[Washington]

My son just graduated high school this week. He was a field fairy (I hate fucking soccer - bores me to death). He's had very tough coaching since he played competitive club starting at U11. These coaches have had all kinds of nasty things to say. The kids need tough skin and they need to just deal with it.

As a high school sophomore, my son, who played D, had a tough 2nd half of a game. The game ended in typical field fairy fashion nil-nil. So, my son's bad 2nd half did not cost the team the game as he ultimately was not to blame for any goals. When the coach was "talking" to the players after the game, he pointed at my son and said "You fucking suck." Now, that could have been worded, "You're 2nd half fucking sucked." or something more like that. When my son told me that one, it pissed me off a tad, but he felt it was right and just and just brushed it off. You can't have thin skin and play competitive sports. If you do, stick to rec level leagues and intramurals. Parents need to butt out. Kids should talk to coaches about things bothering them on their own.

 

[Warrior Spirit]

My son just graduated high school this week. He was a field fairy (I hate fucking soccer - bores me to death). He's had very tough coaching since he played competitive club starting at U11. These coaches have had all kinds of nasty things to say. The kids need tough skin and they need to just deal with it.

As a high school sophomore, my son, who played D, had a tough 2nd half of a game. The game ended in typical field fairy fashion nil-nil. So, my son's bad 2nd half did not cost the team the game as he ultimately was not to blame for any goals. When the coach was "talking" to the players after the game, he pointed at my son and said "You fucking suck." Now, that could have been worded, "You're 2nd half fucking sucked." or something more like that. When my son told me that one, it pissed me off a tad, but he felt it was right and just and just brushed it off. You can't have thin skin and play competitive sports. If you do, stick to rec level leagues and intramurals. Parents need to butt out. Kids should talk to coaches about things bothering them on their own.

Yeah, agree for the most part. This coach though, he just never relents and you’d think he would have to just to give his fat ass a breather. There were other parents that complained to the school about him earlier in the season and he was more chill, at least, during the games in front of everybody for a while. But he has slowly reverted to his old self and now, near the end of the season, he is as loud and insulting ever.

As I said before, my son has no problem dealing with the tough coach type but the name calling the coach does is solely reserved for him as if it’s something personal. For one thing, why are you calling your top scorer dickhead, asshole or prick after he’s just scored his average of 4 goals in the game? Why does the fool insult him after scoring as if that’s not the object of the game?

He does what’s asked during games anyway. The coach will call timeouts or take advantage of a certain situation to move him from attack to midfield cause other players struggle to get the ball safely down the field. So it’s obvious the coach is reliant on him. Still treats him worse than any other player n the team. And not just the name calling but, you know, even blow hard coaches give there players a pat on the back every now and then. The team could be coming off the the field after my boy scores his 5th goal and the coach will be telling his players “good passing”, “good hustle” and what not but never ever a congratulatory word for my great son.

So I’ll calmly talk to the boisterous fat ass when I see him next week and ask what’s up. Don’t know if he just acts that way toward my son cause he’s more tolerant than the other kids and their parents have been or if he’s just super jealous my boy gets all the goals and all the girls.

 

[Washington]

It does sound like there is more to it than meets the eye in your son's case. I've seen coaches hold it against players when the coaches are PO'ed at the parents. That is usually with parents who have too much to say and that does not sound like you.

Me personally, I'd have your son have a sit-down with the coach first to discuss all these occurrences. If nothing comes of that or the coach is flippant, then I surely would have that meeting father to coach. Nothing that coach is doing can be construed as motivational coaching. The coach has taken it to a personal level IMHO. Hopefully, he doesn't play dumb and mans up when your son and/or you talk to him. Good luck.

I used to coach our high school girls fast pitch softball team (assistant coach) when my daughter was coming up the ranks many moons ago. Some coaches should never be coaches or parents for that matter.

 

[Warrior Spirit]

It does sound like there is more to it than meets the eye in your son's case. I've seen coaches hold it against players when the coaches are PO'ed at the parents. That is usually with parents who have too much to say and that does not sound like you.

Me personally, I'd have your son have a sit-down with the coach first to discuss all these occurrences. If nothing comes of that or the coach is flippant, then I surely would have that meeting father to coach. Nothing that coach is doing can be construed as motivational coaching. The coach has taken it to a personal level IMHO. Hopefully, he doesn't play dumb and mans up when your son and/or you talk to him. Good luck.

I used to coach our high school girls fast pitch softball team (assistant coach) when my daughter was coming up the ranks many moons ago. Some coaches should never be coaches or parents for that matter.

His thing was he didn’t want me to say anything cause he did think it would only make it worse as you suggested. He likes playing on the team and gets along well with everybody else. Last year was much better though cause he had a much better coach who had a strong liking for him and helped him with his game.

I did tell him to just tell his coach that he doesn’t like all the name calling and would just like him to stop that. The season ends in another week or 2 and then I’ll have a talk with the coach because my son won’t have to deal with him anymore since he’s moving on to HS.

I’m pretty good at reading people. This guy is definitely all bark and no bite. I’m not looking to make trouble cause even a jackass like him can’t break my son’s warrior spirit. I’m really curious as to why he was such an ass towards him though.

 

[Ares]

His thing was he didn’t want me to say anything cause he did think it would only make it worse as you suggested. He likes playing on the team and gets along well with everybody else. Last year was much better though cause he had a much better coach who had a strong liking for him and helped him with his game.

I did tell him to just tell his coach that he doesn’t like all the name calling and would just like him to stop that. The season ends in another week or 2 and then I’ll have a talk with the coach because my son won’t have to deal with him anymore since he’s moving on to HS.

I’m pretty good at reading people. This guy is definitely all bark and no bite. I’m not looking to make trouble cause even a jackass like him can’t break my son’s warrior spirit. I’m really curious as to why he was such an ass towards him though.

You sound like you're afraid to confront this coach.

If you've heard him calling your kid names as you claim, then you have standing to confront him about it.

It would be different if your kid was whining about it and you only had secondhand info, but you say you've heard it yourself.

You should have confronted the coach the first time you heard it.

It is one thing to coach hard... more stick than carrot... it is another to be demeaning/insulting to a kid you are supposed to be leading.

Coaching = leading/teaching leadership.... that coach is setting a really shitty example to his players.

I already told you what to do.... why do you disobey me?

 

[Warrior Spirit]

You sound like you're afraid to confront this coach.

If you've heard him calling your kid names as you claim, then you have standing to confront him about it.

It would be different if your kid was whining about it and you only had secondhand info, but you say you've heard it yourself.

You should have confronted the coach the first time you heard it.

It is one thing to coach hard... more stick than carrot... it is another to be demeaning/insulting to a kid you are supposed to be leading.

Coaching = leading/teaching leadership.... that coach is setting a really shitty example to his players.

I already told you what to do.... why do you disobey me?

I haven’t heard the name calling myself, no. My son never told me about it til after the last game he had. He told me after he went off the field, with just a couple minutes left in the game, he had just scored a goal and the coach called him a selfish prick. Then I asked him if he has called him names before and he said all the time. Then I asked if he called any other players names and he said never, it was just him.

So that’s the first time I heard it. I have no cause to be afraid of the coach. In fact I was getting the feeling he was afraid of me just in the few times I ran into him while picking my son up from practice. He’d just give me a sheepish “hello” or “how you doing”.

There’s only 1 game left in the season now and the last game is the only time my son really told me what a dick the coach was to him. Before that, it was just me sensing the coach was treating him much worse than the other players. I would ask my son after just about every game, if there’s a problem and does he want me to talk to the guy but he just blew it off for months acting like there was nothing wrong. I still kept sensing there was a problem with the coach so I kept asking my son about it and he decided that since it was at the end of the season he would finally tell me. He still didn’t want me to talk to him though cause he said it would make things worse and he only has a few practices and 1 game left and then he doesn’t have to deal with him anymore.

I’m hoping to get the opportunity to talk to the coach and ask what his problem was... or take the advice you offered before.

 

[Enasic]

Coach or not, if you’re demeaning kids at any time, especially a leadership role you’re a piece of work at best with a lot of fucking issues. I would never be able to call kids names like that. It’s a piece of shit move and the coach is most likely fed up with his own life and lives with his mother.

 

[Ares]

I haven’t heard the name calling myself, no. My son never told me about it til after the last game he had. He told me after he went off the field, with just a couple minutes left in the game, he had just scored a goal and the coach called him a selfish prick. Then I asked him if he has called him names before and he said all the time. Then I asked if he called any other players names and he said never, it was just him.

So that’s the first time I heard it. I have no cause to be afraid of the coach. In fact I was getting the feeling he was afraid of me just in the few times I ran into him while picking my son up from practice. He’d just give me a sheepish “hello” or “how you doing”.

There’s only 1 game left in the season now and the last game is the only time my son really told me what a dick the coach was to him. Before that, it was just me sensing the coach was treating him much worse than the other players. I would ask my son after just about every game, if there’s a problem and does he want me to talk to the guy but he just blew it off for months acting like there was nothing wrong. I still kept sensing there was a problem with the coach so I kept asking my son about it and he decided that since it was at the end of the season he would finally tell me. He still didn’t want me to talk to him though cause he said it would make things worse and he only has a few practices and 1 game left and then he doesn’t have to deal with him anymore.

I’m hoping to get the opportunity to talk to the coach and ask what his problem was... or take the advice you offered before.

It wasn't advice, it was a command!

 

[Mitchapalooza]

Sounds like this coach needs to be vaccinated.