Official Fart Thread (OFT)

[Tater]

To start this thread as threatened, courtesy of TJD:





"During class one day, a 3rd grade teacher was trying to explain to the class how to use the word "Definitely" correctly in a sentence. The teacher decided the best way for her students to learn how to use the word correctly was to use it in a sentence out loud in class. The teacher asks the class who would like to use the word in a sentence first and Susan raises her hand. Susan says aloud, "Grass is definitely green". The teacher then explains that she is wrong because grass sometimes can be brown. John raises his hand and tells the class that "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher corrects John also because "The sky is sometimes black, gray, even orange and green with the weather". Finally little Timmy in the back of the room raises his hand. Once the teacher called on him, Little Timmy asked "Do farts have lumps"? The teacher reply's "Um, no, I'm sorry they don't Timmy".



Timmy then looks down, and then at his teacher and exclaims "Well then I DEFINITELY just shit my pants"."

 

[bubbleheadchief]

My contribution/addition:

True story, this is why I love kids and speciialy mine:

was geeking out on the computer the other night before the Hawks game. My 5 yr old was in his room watching tv and playing with his hot wheels. I hear him rip two rather loud farts, quickly followed by his normal, loud "Excuse me, Excuse me" as he wants Mommy to be able to hear him downstairs, that he is doing the right thing, as he has been taught to be polite whenever he farts or burps. This verbal barrage from his room was quickly followed by the sound of scurrying feet, the bathroom light getting switched on, the sound of a toilet lid being raised, then a body sitting on said toilet. About 20 seconds later my son calls out "Daddy, can you please get me some clean underwear, I had a wet fart...please don't tell Mommy so she won't get mad at me for getting poop in my underwear." I could not help but laugh at this. As I walked to his room to get him the clean skivvies, I looked over the balcony down into the Den my wife is looked up at me in tears she is laughing so hard into her hand,so little man couldn't hear her.

 

[Tater]

[quote name="bubbleheadchief"]My contribution/addition:

True story, this is why I love kids and speciialy mine:

was geeking out on the computer the other night before the Hawks game. My 5 yr old was in his room watching tv and playing with his hot wheels. I hear him rip two rather loud farts, quickly followed by his normal, loud "Excuse me, Excuse me" as he wants Mommy to be able to hear him downstairs, that he is doing the right thing, as he has been taught to be polite whenever he farts or burps. This verbal barrage from his room was quickly followed by the sound of scurrying feet, the bathroom light getting switched on, the sound of a toilet lid being raised, then a body sitting on said toilet. About 20 seconds later my son calls out "Daddy, can you please get me some clean underwear, I had a wet fart...please don't tell Mommy so she won't get mad at me for getting poop in my underwear." I could not help but laugh at this. As I walked to his room to get him the clean skivvies, I looked over the balcony down into the Den my wife is looked up at me in tears she is laughing so hard into her hand,so little man couldn't hear her.[/quote]



LMAO!

 

[Rdrhwke]

Funny Stuff.

 

[BlackHawkPaul]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMX8L7Yxyfk[/youtube]

The best in the biz.

Oh, and the story from bubble was awesome.

I'll fit right in here.

 

[Tater]

[quote name="BlackhawkPaul"][youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMX8L7Yxyfk[/youtube]

The best in the biz.

Oh, and the story from bubble was awesome.

I'll fit right in here.[/quote]



Had to watch this again, a true classic.

 

[bri]

[quote name="bubbleheadchief"]My contribution/addition:

True story, this is why I love kids and speciialy mine:

was geeking out on the computer the other night before the Hawks game. My 5 yr old was in his room watching tv and playing with his hot wheels. I hear him rip two rather loud farts, quickly followed by his normal, loud "Excuse me, Excuse me" as he wants Mommy to be able to hear him downstairs, that he is doing the right thing, as he has been taught to be polite whenever he farts or burps. This verbal barrage from his room was quickly followed by the sound of scurrying feet, the bathroom light getting switched on, the sound of a toilet lid being raised, then a body sitting on said toilet. About 20 seconds later my son calls out "Daddy, can you please get me some clean underwear, I had a wet fart...please don't tell Mommy so she won't get mad at me for getting poop in my underwear." I could not help but laugh at this. As I walked to his room to get him the clean skivvies, I looked over the balcony down into the Den my wife is looked up at me in tears she is laughing so hard into her hand,so little man couldn't hear her.[/quote]





He is going to be so embarrassed someday if he knows you told that. It horrifies me when my parents tell things I did as a child.

 

[bubbleheadchief]

[quote name="bri"]





He is going to be so embarrassed someday if he knows you told that. It horrifies me when my parents tell things I did as a child.[/quote]

If he is anythign like me, he will jsut say "Shit happens" and not bat an eyelid. You can not be held accountable for the silly things you do as a kid.....you dotn know any better and havent become a cynic yet.

 

[JOVE23]

[quote name="bubbleheadchief"]

If he is anythign like me, he will jsut say "Shit happens" and not bat an eyelid. [/quote]



Literally, in this situation.

 

[LordKOTL]

[quote name="bri"]He is going to be so embarrassed someday if he knows you told that. It horrifies me when my parents tell things I did as a child.[/quote]

See, when I was young and my dad would make un of the things I did...i just got my grandma and aunt to open up about what HE did....the stuff he didn't want us to find out about.



Still, many parents say it's part of their revenge for all their kids do to them...that and the fact that they curse their kids to behave like they behaved.



Anyhow...farts...yes...the best story I heardwas from my dad...apparently he was working on the top floor of the Hartford Building sometime in the early 70's, and my grandfather was in the basement stairwell. My grandpa lets one go that echoed through the starwell and was heard on every floor. My dad walked into the stairwell and said, "Dad, are you down there?" my grandpa replied, "What? You heard that?" My dad then said, "The entire goddamned building heard that!!"



The things that passed us by before Youtube was invented.

 

[MassHavoc]

SO far this is more of a Shart thread than a fart thread.

 

[Guest]

The best is letting one rip that had been brewing for a while, as you are in complete control of the passenger window locks.

 

[LordKOTL]

[quote name="TJD"]The best is letting one rip that had been brewing for a while, as you are in complete control of the passenger window locks.[/quote]

It's even better if you have heated seats.

 

[LarmersOneTimer]

Don't know if any of you are familiar with the Tivoli Bowl in Downers Grove but I had a buddy who literally cleared the place out one night. People were leaving because they thought there was a sewer line break and couldn't stand the smell. The stank was that bad and hung that long.



Simply awesome.

 

[winos5]

[quote name="LordKOTL"]

It's even better if you have heated seats.[/quote]



Don't forget to ask if anyone else smells popcorn just as your about to let it rip.

 

[Ton]

Story # 1



I was driving in front of a car once with 5 guys in it... all of the sudden the windows roll down and the 4 guys next to the windows have their heads sticking out.



I look over at the guy and the middle and he is laughing his ass off... at that point I was fully aware of what had happened.



Story # 2



After a night of drinking beer, me and 2 of my friends drove home the next morning after staying downtown. Apparently, the beer we drank the night before made us pretty gassy... and needless to say, we ripped farts all the way home. Beer farts.



Now, without realizing the nature of the beast, we actually had the windows rolled up and ironically we couldn't really smell it. We basically just bathed in fart. I honestly don't know how we couldn't smell it, we really didn't even consider it I suppose, just enjoying the loud and abruptness of the noise and trying to 1-up each other with each pass of gas might have just taken our minds away from the horrid smell.



Finally, we got home and as soon as we opened the door we realized "that's what fresh air smells like?" Immediately we all got out of the car, looked at each other, and stuck our heads back into the car just to see if we really did endure 20-25 minutes of such a God awful smell. The answer was, yes... yes we did.



I cannot even explain the vile, putrid, and disgusting aroma that 3 men can concoct while hot boxing a mixture of beer fart.



The car stunk so bad, that my friend drove to my house the following day just to show me that his car still smelled from the day before. He also mentioned that he had been driving around all day with his windows rolled down to get rid of the stink, which obviously had not left his car yet.



That is 100% true, and I'll probably never smell anything that bad in my life again. I might have lost a couple thousand brain cells that day.

 

[LordKOTL]

On this edition of "Bad Day/Worse day"



Bad day:

You cut a fart in the shower.



Worse day:

You cut a fart in the shower, and it smells so bad that not only does it chase you out, but you pull down the shower curtain and rod down onto yourself and become entngled while trying to escape the cabbage gas chamber you created.

 

[maryo]

I love you guys.. I can't stop crying I'm laughing so hard.

 

[bri]

Why are men so proud of their farts? And the ultimate burning question, why do they raise their legs when they fart?

 

[supraman]

[quote name="bri"]Why are men so proud of their farts? And the ultimate burning question, why do they raise their legs when they fart?[/quote]



Leg lift lets them out easier.