The stupid joke thread - PLease keep the jokes in here for the sake of the rest of us

[pseudonym]

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry man, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

 

[vincentvega]

A man is shopping in the supermarket and he asks the employee who works in the produce section "how much would a half head of lettuce would cost?"

The employee says "we do not sell half heads of lettuce."

The customer starts waiving his fists and yelling, "can you please go and ask your manager if he can sell me a half head of lettuce?!?!?!"

Frustrated, the employee walks to the back of the store and says to his manager "this fu*king asshole wants to know if you would sell him a half head of lettuce" (when he turns to point he notices that the customer had followed him and was standing right behind him) So he says.."and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half" [emoji4]


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[Treehorn]

A man goes on long walk after learning his wife was cheating on him. As he walks along the beach a bottle washes ashore. The man picks up the bottle, rubs it, and a genie appears.

Genie says you are now granted 3 wishes, but, since you’re married whatever you wish for your wife will get double.

For his first wish the man wishes for 1 million dollars. Poof 1 million dollars appears. The genie says, “but your wife was just granted 2 million dollars.”

For his second wish the man wishes for a house on the beach. Poof, the house appears on the beach. The genie says, “but your wife just got 2 houses on the beach.”

The genie says you have 1 more wish. The man thinks long and hard and says, “beat me half to death.”

 

[PrimeTime]

So is there a line as to how dirty of joke that can be posted? I'm not talking about a racist joke, just a really bad dirty joke.

 

[BaBaBlacksheep]

Spartan was driving down a country road with BaBaBlacksheep and Fatman as passengers. Spartan pulls the car over and says "look at that sheep with his head caught in the fence.

Spartan gets out of the car and has his way with the sheep. BaBaBlacksheep then gets out and has his way with the sheep also.


After they were done Spartan says "where the hell is Fatman?"

They both look a little further down the road and see Fatman with his head stuck in the fence saying "I'm next"

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LOL. Like I'd ever have Spartan's sloppy seconds.

 

[botfly10]

So is there a line as to how dirty of joke that can be posted? I'm not talking about a racist joke, just a really bad dirty joke.

what the fuck kind of cunt whore question is that?

 

[1COBearsfan]

So is there a line as to how dirty of joke that can be posted? I'm not talking about a racist joke, just a really bad dirty joke.

What’s blue and yellow and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea

 

[Adipost]

A middle aged woman wants to spice up her sex life, so she decides to surprise her husband. After he gets home from work, she strips down naked, dons a red cape, runs in the room, jumps in front of the TV and yells "Super-Pussy!"

After thinking about it for a second, her husband replies "Well, I think I'll have the soup."

These types of jokes always Mako me laugh.

 

[Spunky Porkstacker]

These types of jokes always Mako me laugh.

:cringe: Very Lame.

 

[JoJoBoxer]

After the death of Quasimodo, Prêtre Pierre has the unenviable task of replacing the beloved bell ringer of Notre Dame. He interviews several candidates with poor results at best.

One day, he hears behind him, "I would like to apply for the position of bell ringer."

Imagine his shock when he sees a man without arms in front of him. "You cannot be the bell ringer. You have no hands".

"It has always been my dream to be the bell ringer of Notre Dame."

Instead of arguing, Prêtre Pierre decides to just let him try and fail. The man takes three steps back, turns around and rushes straight at the bell. When he gets close he jumps up and strikes the bell with his head.

BOOOOOOONG

Surprised, Prêtre Pierre asks him if he can do it again. A bit shaky on his legs, the man again strikes the bell with his head.

BOOOONG

Seeing that the man has been by far the best bell ringer he has seen, he says, "if you can ring the bell one more time, the job is yours."

Quite dizzy this time, the man staggers back three steps, stumbles forward but completely misses the bell. He plummets from the bell tower.

Prêtre Pierre rushes down the stairs and exits the church to find the man's body crumbled on the ground. He rushes over to a nearby police officer.

The police officer asks, "do you know this man?"

Prêtre Pierre replies, "his face rings a bell."



One week later, Prêtre Pierre hears behind him, "I would like to apply for the position of bell ringer."

Fear strikes him when he sees that the man who fell to his death is standing in front of him.

The man explains that it was his twin brother who fell to his death. He also says that it was always his twin brother's dream to be the bell ringer of Notre Dame. In honor of his brother, he decided to take the position of bell ringer in his place.

Prêtre Pierre tells the twin brother that if he can ring the bell, the job is his.

The twin brother takes three steps back, turns around and rushes straight at the bell. When he gets close he jumps up but completely misses the bell. He plummets from the bell tower.

Prêtre Pierre rushes down the stairs and exits the church to find the twin's body crumbled on the ground. He rushes over to a nearby police officer.

The police officer asks, "do you know this man?"

Prêtre Pierre replies, "he's a dead ringer for his brother."

 

[Asswipe Johnson]

So I'm driving to work the other day while texting on CCS and wouldn't you know it, I rear-end a guy. The guy gets out of his car and walks toward me looking menacing, except he is a dwarf so I'm not too worried. He gets to my window and announces, " I'm not Happy!" So I says, " Well you guys all look alike, which one are you?

 

[Asswipe Johnson]

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

 

[PrimeTime]

what the fuck kind of cunt whore question is that?

Against my better judgement I'm going to post a very distasteful joke per Botfly10's approval. If it's too inappropriate let me know and I'll delete it.

A 16 year old girl is filled with excitement after acing her drivers exam approaches her dad:
"Dad, I got a perfect score on my drivers exam so you know I'm a good driver, right? My friends what me to pick them up and go for a drive around the town, can I use the car, pretty please?"

"I can't let you use the car until you are more experienced driving it" the dad immediately replied.

Dejected, the daughter begins to beg her dad:
"Please dad, pretty pretty please let me use the car?"

The dad thinks about it and with a little grin on his face says to the daughter:
"Ok, if I let you use the car tonight what's in it for me?"

The daughter gets a puzzled look on her face and asks her father:
"What's that supposed to mean?"

Still with a grin on his face the father says:
"You're getting the car tonight, I won't have a ride and will have to stay home. What's in it for me?"

The daughter is perplexed even further, leering back at her dad she asks:
"What do you want?"

"How about a blowjob" the dad quickly comments.

"You're sick" says the daughter. "There's no way I'm giving you a blowjob.

"Then you're not getting the car tonight" replied the dad.

"Seriously?" the daughter asks. "That's the only way I can have the car?"

"That's it" says the dad.

The daughter really really wants the car and is contemplating her dads request, she eventually agrees to give her dad a blowjob.

"Ok" says the daughter. "Only for a little bit.

The daughter begins to suck on her old mans willy and almost immediately she stops and begins to spit on the floor and says:
"That is so sick dad, it taste like shit"

The dads face changes as if he's had a revelation and says:
"I almost forgot, your bother has the car tonight"

 

[Adipost]

:cringe: Very Lame.

Well, Ruprecht thought it was hilarious. :yep:

 

[ruprecht]

Well, Ruprecht thought it was hilarious. :yep:

Well....I thanked it. But then I'm a prolific thanker

 

[PrideisBears]

Against my better judgement I'm going to post a very distasteful joke per Botfly10's approval. If it's too inappropriate let me know and I'll delete it.

A 16 year old girl is filled with excitement after acing her drivers exam approaches her dad:
"Dad, I got a perfect score on my drivers exam so you know I'm a good driver, right? My friends what me to pick them up and go for a drive around the town, can I use the car, pretty please?"

"I can't let you use the car until you are more experienced driving it" the dad immediately replied.

Dejected, the daughter begins to beg her dad:
"Please dad, pretty pretty please let me use the car?"

The dad thinks about it and with a little grin on his face says to the daughter:
"Ok, if I let you use the car tonight what's in it for me?"

The daughter gets a puzzled look on her face and asks her father:
"What's that supposed to mean?"

Still with a grin on his face the father says:
"You're getting the car tonight, I won't have a ride and will have to stay home. What's in it for me?"

The daughter is perplexed even further, leering back at her dad she asks:
"What do you want?"

"How about a blowjob" the dad quickly comments.

"You're sick" says the daughter. "There's no way I'm giving you a blowjob.

"Then you're not getting the car tonight" replied the dad.

"Seriously?" the daughter asks. "That's the only way I can have the car?"

"That's it" says the dad.

The daughter really really wants the car and is contemplating her dads request, she eventually agrees to give her dad a blowjob.

"Ok" says the daughter. "Only for a little bit.

The daughter begins to suck on her old mans willy and almost immediately she stops and begins to spit on the floor and says:
"That is so sick dad, it taste like shit"

The dads face changes as if he's had a revelation and says:
"I almost forgot, your bother has the car tonight"

disliked! lol

 

[Spunky Porkstacker]

Well, Ruprecht thought it was hilarious. :yep:

I'd guess he thanked you for liking his joke, and not for your play on a type of shark.

So him thanking you says he thought your response was hilarious

 

[ruprecht]

What's the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.

 

[ruprecht]

I'd guess he thanked you for liking his joke, and not for your play on a type of shark.

So him thanking you says he thought your response was hilarious

Think you might be on to something :snoop:

 

[Adipost]

I'd guess he thanked you for liking his joke, and not for your play on a type of shark.

So him thanking you says he thought your response was hilarious

Here’s Ruprecht and his buddies on their webcam immediately after reading my post...