Breakup Advice

[Monster]

That's tough...
The only advice I can give is what life has taught me.
Bad news doesn't get better or easier with time.
If you decide it's over... and care for her... why waste six months.
Those are her six months as well.

Also, once that can is opened you can't close it.
Make sure it's what you want... but you likely know that already.

 

[Spunky Porkstacker]

I would argue that the very reason why I want to break up with her is not selfish. I still have feelings for her, but want want to end the relationship because I don't want to hold her back from what she really wants in life. How is that selfish?

I did acknowledge that it would be selfish of me to keep this to myself and hold out for another few months because of our lease situation... That's my biggest dilemma.

I think you are answering your question. To pile on with what others have said here, have a sit down with her and lay all of your points on the table.

 

[Ares]

I guess me haha. But I wouldn't say it's uncommon either, I know a lot of people that don't necessarily want to travel the world.

I don't care about visiting other countries to experience foreign cultures, etc. It just doesn't do anything for me. Plus I don't wanna drop a couple grand for a week or two for something I don't enjoy too much.

I had a similar mindset until this year when I got to go to Spain for a trip I won thru a work award.

I don't think I will be traveling a ton, but I am now far more open to planning a few different international trips.

Not to say it would do the same for you, but I always thought traveling and especially international traveling was just another thing women say they want/love because it makes them less boring.... I didn't think it was worth the hassle/money.... but my mindset is different now.... I don't desire to do these month-long backpacking trips to 11 countries every year, but I also now see some international travel as interesting.

How old is your gf btw? How mature is she? I find younger women have this pie-in-the-sky notion about traveling the world and in general they overhype the living **** out of travel and other junk so they don't have to admit they are just as much a working, Netflix watching, homebody, as the rest of the 99%.

 

[BNB]

UPDATE

I spoke with her this morning when she woke up.. Convo lasted about 1.5 hours.

To paraphrase the whole thing:

I was very direct and started with basically - You're over there, I'm over here. If those are the things that are going to make you happy in life, I don't wanna be the person to keep you from doing it. While I still care for you and have feelings for you, I think it may be best if we went our separate ways and remained friends.

She was crying. Said that she's getting her period soon and always emotional and overreacts to "small things" and that it isn't a big deal to her.

I said if it wasn't a big deal, she wouldn't constantly bring it up.

She said she does want those things (get married, travel, get a dog, etc.), but she would rather be with me and not have those things than to have those things and be with someone else.

I told her that she may feel that way now, but she will probably find someone just as good or better than me (which will be hard - as a joke to kind of lighten the mood since I don't deal well with emotional situations) who she can enjoy those things with.

She started to laugh, and then cry saying that she really doesn't want this to end.

I told her that she needs to REALLY think about what she really wants and then let me know her decision.

So that's where all that is now.

Did I **** up?

 

[BNB]

I had a similar mindset until this year when I got to go to Spain for a trip I won thru a work award.

I don't think I will be traveling a ton, but I am now far more open to planning a few different international trips.

Not to say it would do the same for you, but I always thought traveling and especially international traveling was just another thing women say they want/love because it makes them less boring.... I didn't think it was worth the hassle/money.... but my mindset is different now.... I don't desire to do these month-long backpacking trips to 11 countries every year, but I also now see some international travel as interesting.

How old is your gf btw? How mature is she? I find younger women have this pie-in-the-sky notion about traveling the world and in general they overhype the living **** out of travel and other junk so they don't have to admit they are just as much a working, Netflix watching, homebody, as the rest of the 99%.

She's 25 and pretty mature I guess.

Your last sentence made me laugh because about a year or so ago, I pretty much told her the same thing. She criticized me for not wanting to explore the world "like most normal people." I was like, 1. There's a lot of people that don't explore the world. 2. Even the people that do WANT to, don't necessarily do it because they don't have the time/money. Most people just work, hang out at home, do things with their friends, and go on vacations here and there, but not like to Europe for 2 weeks. I think that helped her realize that we weren't a weird couple because we didn't constantly take extravagant trips.

I mean, if I was loaded, I probably would get around to traveling. But right now I'm saving money to build a better future, and spending thousands of dollars a year to travel will impact those plans. We went to California recently, and I spent $2,500 for the whole stay there (a week). I imagine going to Europe would at least be doubled that.. Which is a problem, because after all my expenses throughout the year, I save about $6,000. I would hate to throw away a year's savings on a 1-2 week trip. Just my take on it.

 

[Tater]

UPDATE

Did I **** up?

Not at all. I think you handled it perfectly. I hope it works for the best either way.

 

[BearFanJohn]

You did the right thing. She (and you) can figure it out over the next 7 months or maybe less. She may very well be fine with giving up on some things if she cares that much about you. But you also don’t want her waking up in 20 years and having an “oh shit” moment. But you have let her know you believe it is a problem. The ball is in her court. She’ll have to figure it out now, too. Depending on how old you are, and I get the sense you’re still pretty young (this coming from a 51 year old), I regret the almost 2 years I wasted on a girl that I knew we weren’t compatible. The upside is that if I hadn’t “wasted” those years the timing wouldn’t have matched up for me to meet my wife of over 25 years!

You have been open and honest and that is the best possible path you could have taken. Not the easiest path but the best for both of you.

 

[BNB]

You did the right thing. She (and you) can figure it out over the next 7 months or maybe less. She may very well be fine with giving up on some things if she cares that much about you. But you also don’t want her waking up in 20 years and having an “oh shit” moment. But you have let her know you believe it is a problem. The ball is in her court. She’ll have to figure it out now, too. Depending on how old you are, and I get the sense you’re still pretty young (this coming from a 51 year old), I regret the almost 2 years I wasted on a girl that I knew we weren’t compatible. The upside is that if I hadn’t “wasted” those years the timing wouldn’t have matched up for me to meet my wife of over 25 years!

You have been open and honest and that is the best possible path you could have taken. Not the easiest path but the best for both of you.

Thanks.

Yeah, I'm 26. I've just never been in this situation before. Before we started dating, being single really worked for me. I just had a bunch of shorter relationships that I knew weren't going to last more than 1-3 months. Now I'm in a long term relationship, and I live with her... I was like what the hell do I do? hahaha.

 

[Ares]

She's 25 and pretty mature I guess.

Your last sentence made me laugh because about a year or so ago, I pretty much told her the same thing. She criticized me for not wanting to explore the world "like most normal people." I was like, 1. There's a lot of people that don't explore the world. 2. Even the people that do WANT to, don't necessarily do it because they don't have the time/money. Most people just work, hang out at home, do things with their friends, and go on vacations here and there, but not like to Europe for 2 weeks. I think that helped her realize that we weren't a weird couple because we didn't constantly take extravagant trips.

I mean, if I was loaded, I probably would get around to traveling. But right now I'm saving money to build a better future, and spending thousands of dollars a year to travel will impact those plans. We went to California recently, and I spent $2,500 for the whole stay there (a week). I imagine going to Europe would at least be doubled that.. Which is a problem, because after all my expenses throughout the year, I save about $6,000. I would hate to throw away a year's savings on a 1-2 week trip. Just my take on it.

It has become a bit hilarious to me.... every white girl aged 18-30 is an "OMG I LOVEEEEE TO TRAVEL" girl

I dated a girl who is in the midst of this.... trying to take 1-2 week trips every 3-6 months to Europe and Asia.

I inquired how she managed this and she said her job allowed the time off, she lived at home to save up, and if necessary she would take time off without pay.

I mean you can do this, but for how long? She was getting an MBA in pursuit of presumably a business analyst/project management type of career and I told her you can't just pickup and go away for 2 weeks in a regular job. She just kinda shrugged me off like it would all work out.

I mean I get it, working is very limiting, but you can't live college study abroad life your entire life.

And lastly, ironically I think alot of girls believe if they admit they are just as boring as the rest of us, it will make them less interesting.... when I think ironically it turns off alot of steady dudes who have a good career and a head on their shoulders....

 

[Crystallas]

You only learn the tourist side of things if you travel a lot. Now straight up living(home and work) somewhere else, that's a whole new ball game.

 

[Warden of the Northeast]

UPDATE

I spoke with her this morning when she woke up.. Convo lasted about 1.5 hours.

To paraphrase the whole thing:

I was very direct and started with basically - You're over there, I'm over here. If those are the things that are going to make you happy in life, I don't wanna be the person to keep you from doing it. While I still care for you and have feelings for you, I think it may be best if we went our separate ways and remained friends.

She was crying. Said that she's getting her period soon and always emotional and overreacts to "small things" and that it isn't a big deal to her.

I said if it wasn't a big deal, she wouldn't constantly bring it up.

She said she does want those things (get married, travel, get a dog, etc.), but she would rather be with me and not have those things than to have those things and be with someone else.

I told her that she may feel that way now, but she will probably find someone just as good or better than me (which will be hard - as a joke to kind of lighten the mood since I don't deal well with emotional situations) who she can enjoy those things with.

She started to laugh, and then cry saying that she really doesn't want this to end.

I told her that she needs to REALLY think about what she really wants and then let me know her decision.

So that's where all that is now.

Did I **** up?

Nope, you did well.

 

[MIKETOUHY]

Ok, so I've been dating my current girlfriend for about 3.5 years now..

For the most part, we get along great. I still have a lot of feelings for. The problem is, we differ on a lot of things that mean a lot to her. For example, she wants to get married. I don't. She wants to have dogs. I actually love dogs, but I personally don't wanna own one for a while because I just don't want to deal with the responsibility of taking care of something else at the moment or in the foreseeable future. She wants to travel the world because that's her passion, and I have no desire to travel.

A couple of times a month, one of these things comes up and we argue about it. I wind up feeling shitty because she ultimately ends up just being like, "okay fine, whatever makes you happy." I hate that, because she should be happy, and giving her these things will make her happy, but will then make me unhappy.

I've thought about it a lot lately, and I think it's best that we go our separate ways.

The problem is, we rent an apartment together, and we have 7 months left on the lease. I don't know if I should tell her now, like, "Hey, when our lease is up, I think we should go our own way" to give her a heads up so she can plan for what to do next.... or should I wait until a few weeks before the lease is up to mention it?

It sucks either way because I don't want to end it, but I think it's in her best interest.

I don't see what renting an apartment has to do with anything.

 

[Crystallas]

I don't see what renting an apartment has to do with anything.

It's a studio with a bunkbed.

 

[Ares]

I don't see what renting an apartment has to do with anything.

They are living together.... if he breaks up with her now, he either has to live with his ex for 7 months or get a new place and continue paying half the rent on her apartment for 7 months.

It probably shouldn't be the end-all of the issue, but it is a major problem to deal with.

 

[Burque]

They are living together.... if he breaks up with her now, he either has to live with his ex for 7 months or get a new place and continue paying half the rent on her apartment for 7 months.

It probably shouldn't be the end-all of the issue, but it is a major problem to deal with.

No there is a third option, it's called breaking the lease, a viable option if the relationship ends and staying in the same domecile is not an option.

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[Ares]

No there is a third option, it's called breaking the lease, a viable option if the relationship ends and staying in the same domecile is not an option.

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Depends on the lease and what (if any) lease breaking option is available in the contract.

If there is an option to break the lease, it will cost $$$$$$$$$$

 

[Crystallas]

If there is an option to break the lease, it will cost $$$$$$$$$$

She can just travel for the final 7 months.

 

[remydat]

I honestly don't see the problem. Sounds like you are happy and you told her the truth upfront. So what if you argue once a month. So what if you feel bad that she always compromises.

As long as you are happy and as long as she is willing to compromise then why rock the boat. I think people overcomplicate things. There is generally always someone that compromises more than another in a relationship. As long as they are happy doing so then so be it.

Honestly dude I would say stop being a selfish *****. If she ultimately compromises and all you have to do is deal with a small argument every once in a while then you have it good. I mean Jesus the idea that she should just compromise and never bring it up again is Special person. She's human. She's already doing all she can to make you happy and you are crying that once a month she upsets you. SMH!

And I'm not saying this to be a dick. Your situation is pretty much my last 5 serious relationships. I don't want to get married. The girl generally has to compromise. I used to be a selfish prick and complain about them complaining. Then I realized I really had it good so what was the point. Eventually they all end up moving on but there is no point me forcing the issue. I'm happy, I'm getting laid, and I'm being honest about what I want. So let them hang around for as long as it takes for them to 100% accept things as they are or let them move on when they finally can't take it anymore. In the end we had more good times together than not and I'm really good friends with all my exes. Hell I'm tight with 2 of their now husbands.

 

[Burque]

Depends on the lease and what (if any) lease breaking option is available in the contract.

If there is an option to break the lease, it will cost $$$$$$$$$$

Usually a months rent... Much better than seven months half rent in a place which you do not live.

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[Ares]

Usually a months rent... Much better than seven months half rent in a place which you do not live.

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BNB might not have a months rent to burn....

This girl might not have the money to burn either.

Moving to a new place costs money.... getting into a new lease costs money.... taking on bills 100% costs more money.

This stuff is alot more complex and burdensome than people make it out to be.