Jokes - post them here

[Tater]

As an airplane is about to crash, A female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

 

[Tater]

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a farm in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.



He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'



The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'



The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... on any land... no questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'



The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.



Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.



The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



'Your badge! Show him your badge, Smartass!'

 

[Pez68]

Good ones Tater! haha

 

[Chief Walking Stick]

So, two baby seals walk into a club....

 

[MassHavoc]

So, two baby seals walk into a club....

One of my favorite jokes of all time. I've been telling it for at least 10 years.

 

[phranchk]

MassHavoc.......

 

[Tater]

MassHavoc.......

LMAO!!! That one is a classic. I tell that one all the time too.

 

[MassHavoc]

I hate you all.

 

[LordKOTL]

Mitt Romney and Barak Obama.

 

[Tater]

Indian winter.......



Its late Fall, and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he could not tell what the winter was going to bring.



Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, Is the coming winter going to be cold?



It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold, the meteorologist at the weather service responded.



So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?



Yes, the man at National Weather Service again replied, its going to be a very cold winter.



The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?



Absolutely, the man replied. Its looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters weve ever seen. How can you be so sure? the chief asked.



The weatherman replied, The Indians are collecting a @#$$ load of firewood.

 

[Pez68]

Another good one..

 

[LordKOTL]

A few of my wife's favorites:



Mickey Mouse is in divorce court. After going over the case the judge adresses Mickey and says, "Let me get this straight, Mickey: you want to divorce Minnie because you think she's crazy?"

"That's not what I said, your honor." Mickey replies, "I said I want to divorce Minnie because she's fucking Goofy."



(You may not get it unless you have a rudimentary understanding of German)

According to Freud, what comes between Fear and Sex?

-Fünf



Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth guy ducks it.



Two men, three women, an antelope, five horses, and a marmoset walk into a bar, the bartender says, "What is this, ome kind of fucking Joke?"



How is a nearsighted gynocologist like a dog?

-They both have wet noses.

 

[Ymono37]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He was up all night wondering if there was a dog.



A Giraffe walks into a bar and says, "Highballs are on me!"

 

[Tater]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He was up all night wondering if there was a dog.



A Giraffe walks into a bar and says, "Highballs are on me!"

Lol, yeah, I giggled.

 

[IceHogsFan]

 

[MassHavoc]

Mitt Romney and Barak Obama.

No more political bullshit to ruin the thread or I will remove it.

 

[phranchk]

No more political bullshit to ruin the thread or I will remove it.

Seriously? Seems rather odd to censor political jokes. They're jokes after all.

 

[MassHavoc]

Then put them over in the political threads. I'm not saying you can't post them, just don't post them here. We already have enough threads that say the exact same thing.

 

[LordKOTL]

A man dies and goes to hell, there he's greeted by Lucifer who tells him that he has a choice of 3 rooms in which to spend his eternal damnation. Lucifer opens the door to the first room and inside is a man tied to a chair with his skin being torn off by a bunch of demons. Lucifer opens the door to the second room and inside is a woman strapped to a spit being roasted over a fire by a bunch of demons. Lucifer opens the door to the third room and insider is a mass of people standing up to their necks in shit. The man thinks to himself that being flayed or being burned alive will be excruciatingly painful. Standing in shit up to your neck is unpleasant, but it is hell after all. He tells Lucifer that he'll spend his eternal damnation in the 3rd room, and gets cast into the room and is standing up to his neck in shit with everyone else. Just as he was starting to get used to the smell a voice booms over a loudspeaker: "ALRIGHT, EVERYONE ON YOUR KNEES FOR LUNCH!!!!"

 

[phranchk]

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you ******* are all right.".