Jokes - post them here

[MassHavoc]

Haha, that's pretty good .

 

[phranchk]

Been killing with that joke for 10+ years.

 

[IceHogsFan]

No more political bullshit to ruin the thread or I will remove it.

Really?



Shall we define joke then? Maybe we should classify cartoons as well?



They can be sexual in nature but not political? Oh, I see above that religion is okay but again, nothing political in nature?

 

[IceHogsFan]

The Old Flame



I received a phone call yesterday from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.



We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.



I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.



"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."



She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".



"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"



She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.



She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.



Anyway, she giggled and said,



"I've put on a few pounds myself!"



So I told her to **** off.

 

[Tater]

LMAO at the Old Flame.

 

[jakobeast]

My penis.

 

[MassHavoc]

Biggest joke in the world right there.

 

[jakobeast]

masshavoc has a wife.





Seriously, who believes that?

 

[Shoots_he_scores]

How do you know when Will Smith has walked through the snow?



You see Fresh Prints

 

[MassHavoc]

How do you know when Will Smith has walked through the snow?



You see Fresh Prints

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOO THIS MAN BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!hahahah ok I laughed.

 

[Tater]

masshavoc has a wife.





Seriously, who believes that?

A wife? Pul-leeze.

 

[MassHavoc]

Hardy har har...

 

[Tater]

Wife texts husband, on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen."



Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back, 5 minutes later:

"Computer completely screwed up now."

 

[MassHavoc]

AHAH! HIYO!

 

[supraman]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." [/background][/font]



[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3) [/background][/font]



Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. [/background][/font]



Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. [/background][/font]



Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all of the beer... [/background][/font]



Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 3! -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? [/background][/font]



Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****** me ! off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. [/background][/font]



Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone. [/background][/font]



Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. [/background][/font]



Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. [/background][/font]

[font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif][background=rgb(231, 239, 248)]Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd! have reacted to really hot chili?[/background][/font]

 

[supraman]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Dear Connie,[/font]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]little boy [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]my [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I[/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]guess my [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]things. I'm [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]bad anymore. I [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]this[/font]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]for you in [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]They're not [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]her home [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]depth of my [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]bodies that only [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]just a [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]wouldn't quit. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]this [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]lives. It's [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]her better in[/font]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]it make her [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]attractive [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Connie? I doubt it. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]And I'd never really thought of that before. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]thinking, "Why [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]technique or her [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]of loss. Why [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]same because [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean Nothing feels [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]the same [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]everything I [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]do just reminds me of you. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Do you remember Carol, that single Mom we met at the Holiday Inn [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]lounge [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]She said she [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]what [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]she meant till later, but that's not the real story. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]we're [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]when she's [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]hear us. And [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]grandmother's old vanity. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]watch [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]can't help [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]We've had this [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]order. I [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]on her [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]time. She's [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]She's pulling [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Jell-O shots [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]teenage girl [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]looked like [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]that [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]trying it and how[/font]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]see how [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]ring, all I [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]can do is think of you? [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]we [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]fresh? I [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]think we can. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. [/font][font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.[/font]

[font=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Love, Dan.[/font]

 

[bookjones]

Biggest joke in the world right there.

 

[MassHavoc]

The remote is always under or in the couch... ha.

 

[winos5]

A crusty old mountain man makes his annual spring trek to the trading post to trade his furs, get drunk and get a woman. He's not had a woman in several years so he's one horney old bastard. After doing his fur trading and having a few shots of fire water he asks the owner of the trading post about a woman. The trader says "Sorry but we aint got no whores this year. But if you want you can screw old Gus".



The mountain man thinks about and says "I don't go for that shit normally, but man am I horny. If I was to screw old Gus, just who would know about it? I don't want to get a bad reputation an all." The trader thinks a minute and says "lets see there's you, me, old Gus and the other 3 guys..." The mountain man says "what do you mean about the other 3 guys?"



The trader says "oh, the other 3 guys hold "old Gus" down , he don't go for that shit neither!!!!"

 

[Ymono37]

This one has been going around lately: Have you heard about that new drink called, "The Manhattan?" - is a really watered down Cosmo.



Too soon?