jakobeast
New member
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 3,903
- Liked Posts:
- 21
- Location:
- yer ma's pants
5 for me as well, but I am stupid.
Jokes - post them here
- Thread starter Tater
- Start date
- Joined:
- May 16, 2010
- Posts:
- 2,745
- Liked Posts:
- 0
HAHA Youse guys are the DUM!
It only took me one time!
Only because I already read you all saying it took a few times...
IRREGARDLESSNESS, I am smarter. Thank you, Drive through...
jakobeast
New member
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 3,903
- Liked Posts:
- 21
- Location:
- yer ma's pants
Creature1958
New member
- Joined:
- Jul 7, 2010
- Posts:
- 198
- Liked Posts:
- 0
- Location:
- Crestwood,Il
What did the cannibal get when he came late for dinner?.....................................................The cold shoulder.
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 13,392
- Liked Posts:
- 5,207
An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’ s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’ s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
- Joined:
- May 14, 2010
- Posts:
- 17,881
- Liked Posts:
- 2,565
I like that one... haha
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 13,392
- Liked Posts:
- 5,207
A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor set the pain to be transferred to 10% and told the man that this would be the most painful thing he ever experienced.
But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the man's vitals. Still no problem for the man. So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting.
After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby. Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.
But when labor set in the man still felt absolutely fine and the doctor set the machine to 20%. The man still felt fine so the doctor set it to 50% whilst checking the man's vitals. Still no problem for the man. So he asked the doctor if he could set it to 100% because he could see how comfortable his wife was getting.
After 2 hours of labor the woman gave birth to a healthy baby. Both were pretty astonished, thanked the doctor left. When they came home the milkman was lying dead on the porch.
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 5,024
- Liked Posts:
- 0
A Montana Highway Patrolman pulled a car over on I-15 about 40 miles south of Great Falls recently.
When the Patrolman asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a Shrine Clown with a specialty as a magician and juggler and he was on his way to Spokane to do a show that night at the Shrine Hospital and didn't want to be late.
The Patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Patrolman that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, lit or unlit, so the Patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy from Havre, who had spent the day visiting various establishments on the way to Butte, got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Patrolman observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the rather "well oiled" fellow what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cuz there's no way in Hell I can pass that test."
When the Patrolman asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a Shrine Clown with a specialty as a magician and juggler and he was on his way to Spokane to do a show that night at the Shrine Hospital and didn't want to be late.
The Patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Patrolman that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, lit or unlit, so the Patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good old boy from Havre, who had spent the day visiting various establishments on the way to Butte, got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Patrolman observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the rather "well oiled" fellow what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cuz there's no way in Hell I can pass that test."
supraman
New member
- Joined:
- May 16, 2010
- Posts:
- 8,024
- Liked Posts:
- 196
- Location:
- St.Pete, FL
Thats a good one
LordKOTL
Scratched for Vorobiev
- Joined:
- Dec 8, 2014
- Posts:
- 8,694
- Liked Posts:
- 3,055
- Location:
- PacNW
My favorite teams
Little Johnny was curious about girls, so he asked his mom what a lady's crotch looks like. So, he asked his mom. His mom, embarrassed, told him to ask his father. Little Johnny then asked his dad what a lady's crotch looked like. His dad told him, "Son, before sex a lady's crotch looks like a beautiful, unopened flower." Little Johnny pondered this for a moment and then asked, "Then what does a lady's crotch look like after sex?"
His dad replied, "Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?"
His dad replied, "Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?"
genefoley
New member
- Joined:
- May 16, 2010
- Posts:
- 564
- Liked Posts:
- 0
- Location:
- Blue Island, IL
Gary Bettman
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 5,024
- Liked Posts:
- 0
jakobeast
New member
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 3,903
- Liked Posts:
- 21
- Location:
- yer ma's pants
What did the buffalo say to his kid when he left for work?
Bison.
Bison.
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 5,024
- Liked Posts:
- 0
How do hillbillies celebrate Halloween?
Pump kin
(as bad as Jako's)
Pump kin
(as bad as Jako's)
jakobeast
New member
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 3,903
- Liked Posts:
- 21
- Location:
- yer ma's pants
I am in possession of the worst joke ever told. Unfortunately, it doesn't work on paper. Or screen in this case. If anyone ever sees me in person, ask to hear it. I love telling it.
- Joined:
- Oct 19, 2013
- Posts:
- 7,956
- Liked Posts:
- 829
- Location:
- Wish You Were Here
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 13,392
- Liked Posts:
- 5,207
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 13,392
- Liked Posts:
- 5,207
ACTUAL PASSPORT APPLICATION LETTER SENT BACK TO STATE DEPARTMENT
Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damn passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my Friggin address.
What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another Friggin copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100.
Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the Damn government.
You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile... Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're totally pissed off!
Signed
- An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of Americasince 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor....... WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
And you assholes want to run our health care system?????
Dear Mrs. Ms. Or Sir:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this.
How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable TV from them in 1987 (23 years ago), and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? Ever heard of computers?
My birth date you have in my social security file. It's on EVERY income tax form I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my Medicare health insurance card and my driver's license, it's on the last eight damn passports I've had, it's on every stupid customs declaration form I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane for the last 30 years. And it's on all those census forms that we have to do at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'm reasonably confident that neither name is likely to change between now and when I die.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bureaucratic bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my Friggin address.
What is going on? You must have a gang of bureaucratic Neanderthal morons working there!
Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? And "No," I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a damn whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now because I have to go to the other end of the city and get another Friggin copy of my birth certificate to the tune of $100.
Would it be so difficult to have all the services in the same area so I could get a new passport the same day? Nooooo, that would require planning and organization. And it would be too logical for the Damn government.
You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off. Then, we have to find some asshole to confirm that it's really me in the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile... Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're totally pissed off!
Signed
- An Irate Citizen.
P.S. Remember what I wrote about getting someone to confirm that the picture is me? Well, my family has been in the United States of Americasince 1776. I have served in the military for something over 35 years and have had security clearances up the ying yang. However, I have to get someone important to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor....... WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN INDIA !
And you assholes want to run our health care system?????
- Joined:
- May 15, 2010
- Posts:
- 13,392
- Liked Posts:
- 5,207
Completely Inappropriate Jokes, but funny.
>*A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
>The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A
>moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe they fucked my
>wife after only five beers!”
>*Got this text from my brother recently. It read; “Can I stay at your house
>for a while? The old' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my
>dick. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
>*I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the
>front door open.
>*She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I
>really should have ran – but you don't get offers like that every day. *****
>*Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got
>locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party. In my
>defense… when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick
>in.
>*My wife just came in and said, “I don't know if I am coming or going. ”I
>said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you're going – ‘cus when
>you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to
>whistle!”
>*The missus asked me, “When you're on a boys only trip away,
>*do you think about me?” .... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming
>too quickly” wasn't the right answer.
>*What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked better,
>smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking
>bike, and wanted to go home!
Disclaimer - I didn't write these.
>*A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
>The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A
>moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe they fucked my
>wife after only five beers!”
>*Got this text from my brother recently. It read; “Can I stay at your house
>for a while? The old' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my
>dick. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
>*I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the
>front door open.
>*She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I
>really should have ran – but you don't get offers like that every day. *****
>*Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got
>locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party. In my
>defense… when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick
>in.
>*My wife just came in and said, “I don't know if I am coming or going. ”I
>said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you're going – ‘cus when
>you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to
>whistle!”
>*The missus asked me, “When you're on a boys only trip away,
>*do you think about me?” .... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming
>too quickly” wasn't the right answer.
>*What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked better,
>smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking
>bike, and wanted to go home!
Disclaimer - I didn't write these.
supraman
New member
- Joined:
- May 16, 2010
- Posts:
- 8,024
- Liked Posts:
- 196
- Location:
- St.Pete, FL
Those are great