Jokes - post them here

[Tater]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.



The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."



The officer than asked, "Really? Who's giving a lecture at this time of night."



The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

[BiscuitintheBasket]

[font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."



She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.



My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.[/font]

[font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.



I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.



Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.[/font]



[font=tahoma,geneva,sans-serif]I told her, "Colonel Sanders." [/font]

 

[IceHogsFan]

Disclaimer - I didn't write these.

But you did post them.



HA!

 

[supraman]

But you did post them.



HA!

How true, I even copied the disclaimer.

 

[Tater]

But you did post them.



HA!

How true, I even copied the disclaimer.

Yes, but now I am off the hook legally.

 

[Tater]

This guy looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"



I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out.









I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.



She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."



I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.







I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.



"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."



After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.



"Come on, what day was I born"?



I said, “Yesterday.





I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.



The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.









I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.



I said, "Nice legs."



The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."



I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

 

[Tater]

[sharedmedia=gallery:albums:23]



[sharedmedia=gallery:images:252]

 

[Tater]

I was recently in West Palm Beach Florida, and I saw a car the had a bumper sticker that said "I Miss Chicago" ... So I broke out the window, stole the radio, slashed 2 tires and left a note on the windshield... "Happy Now"???

 

[PatrickShart]

Sorry to the religious fanatics...





What's the difference between Jesus...and a picture of Jesus?



It only takes 1 nail to hang a picture of him...

 

[The Count Dante]

HA! Like the age old:



Jesus walks into a hotel office, throws 3 nails on the counter and asks: "Can you put me up for the night?"



ZING!

 

[IceHogsFan]

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.



A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.



That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.



Finally, the principal, Sister Madelyn, decided that something had to be done.



She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).



To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Madelyn asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.



He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.



Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



There are teachers . . . . . . And then there are educators!

 

[IceHogsFan]

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.



The Captain gets on the loud- hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"



One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America! to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."



The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.









When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"









The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

 

[TSD]

[font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]There is a woman at a hospital giving birth and she is screaming. Absolutely SCREAMING like a banshee. Making so much noise, it's disturbing all the patients on the floor that she is on to the point where they are pleading with the nurses to just give her pain killers for THEIR sake.[/font]



[font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]And in the delivery room stands the husband, doing all the the things a husband is supposed to do. He is holding his wife's hand and making sure to give her all the support she needs.[/font]



[font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]Finally, the husband says, "C'mon honey! You can do this! You are strong enough to do this!"[/font]



[font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]At that moment, the wife's stare snaps to her husband. With fire in her eyes, and in a voice that rivals Satan's she says, "This is YOUR fault! You put this baby inside of me!!!"[/font]



[font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]The husband shifts his stance a little bit, smiles and says, "No, no, honey. If you remember correctly, I wanted to put it in your ass, but [/font]you [font=helvetica, arial, sans-serif]said it would 'hurt too much'"[/font]

 

[MassHavoc]

Sweet jesus what is it with you and putting it in women's ass lately... haha just get a hooker and get it done already.

 

[Tater]

The New Hire



A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.



The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."



Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.



"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."



His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.



"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.



That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."



The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"



The kid looks up at his boss and says "$201,237.65".



The boss, astonished, says $201,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"



The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."



The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'"

 

[Tater]

How To Call The Police When You're Older And Don't Move As Fast Anymore.



George Phillips, an elderly 60 year old man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

The police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both. The dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.






 

[Tater]

Old Man in the Theater



An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the

movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to

the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a

moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly

to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.



Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?" "Fred," the old man moaned. "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,

Fred replied, "The balcony."

 

[PatrickShart]

David Bolland wins a faceoff.

 

[Tater]

Best "For Sale" ad ever:</p>


 </p>


https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/p480x480/1185720_625500617473017_1529944645_n.jpg</p>

 

[Tater]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.


I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.


In fact, I think more than you. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest

apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, shot his wife.


A few seconds later, another text came in:


Damn auto correct. "WiFi", not "wife".</p>