Jokes - post them here

[LordKOTL]

This one is a bit dated, but still one of my faves:</p>


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A man was driving with his wife down a long, open road, doing 50mph, when his wife confesses to him, "I haven't been faithful to you".  The man says nothing but speeds up 10mph.</p>


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"In fact," she says, "I've been sleeping with your brother, your boss, both of our next-door neigbors and your best friend." The man says nothing but speeds up 10mph.</p>


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"I also want a divorce."  The man again, says nothing but speeds up 10mph.</p>


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"I'm taking the house, the car, and the kids." The man again, speeds up 10 mph and says nothing.</p>


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"Is there anything you want?" She asks?</p>


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"Nope, I have everything I want." he says as he veers towards a telephone pole.</p>


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"What's that?"</p>


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He smiles and right before he crashes into the telephone pole, he says, "The airbag."</p>

 

[Chief Walking Stick]

So.... a baby seal walks into a club.</p>

 

[LordKOTL]

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Grimsäläinen" data-cid="222274" data-time="1393455094">
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So.... a baby seal walks into a club.</p>
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One of my favorite anti-jokes, right up there with, "Three guys walk into a bar; the fouth guy ducks it."</p>

 

[The Count Dante]

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="LordKOTL" data-cid="222277" data-time="1393456019">
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One of my favorite anti-jokes, right up there with, "Three guys walk into a bar; the fouth guy ducks it."</p>
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A few of my own favorites:</p>


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Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?</p>


An Irishman walks out of a bar.</p>


If life throws you a melon, you are dyslexic. </p>


And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John was fifth. </p>


I wanted to burn a lot of calories so I found a fat kid and lit em on fire.</p>

 

[MassHavoc]

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="Tater" data-cid="222265" data-time="1393450786">
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A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.


I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.


In fact, I think more than you. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest

apology with my promise that it won't happen again.


The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, shot his wife.


A few seconds later, another text came in:


Damn auto correct. "WiFi", not "wife".</p>
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I bet the whole neighborhood is tapping his wife.</p>

 

[jakobeast]

A fella wants to take his girl to prom. So he goes to buy tickets. There is a long line, but he get in the prom ticket line and eventually he buys them.</p>


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He realizes he wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a big ol limo for the night. He goes to the limo rental place, but being that it is prom season, there is naturally a wait. So he gets in the limo rental line and eventually, gets to the front and secures the limo.</p>


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Now he goes to get the every important tux. When he gets to the store, there is a line out the door. He is a patient guy, so he gets in the tux store line. After an hour, he gets fitted for a beautiful powder blue tux with tails.</p>


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Finally, the big day arrives and they are at the prom having a fantastic time. His date says "I am feeling a bit parched, would you mind getting me a drink?". Why would he mind? So he goes over to the refreshment table and there is no punch line.</p>

 

[Spunky Porkstacker]

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past Four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .</span>

<span style="color:rgb(0,0,0);font-family:verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:13px;font-style:italic;background-color:rgb(241,241,241);">The doctor snickered and said, "Just ****ing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"</span></p>

 

[BlackHawkPaul]

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[MassHavoc]

HAHAh I got most of them.... I've never heard of a logician.... so those were rough.</p>

 

[jakobeast]

I got a decent amount. at least half. I dunno what a logician is either. I did like the 1023 MB band joke. I may steal that for a band name.</p>

 

[The Count Dante]

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="MassHavoc" data-cid="223428" data-time="1394766497">
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HAHAh I got most of them.... I've never heard of a logician.... so those were rough.</p>
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We know them now as the loud preaching bums on the bus.</p>

 

[phranchk]

Number 12. I did not get that one at all. I had to look it up.</p>

 

[MassHavoc]

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="phranchk" data-cid="223483" data-time="1394821149">
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Number 12. I did not get that one at all. I had to look it up.</p>
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Share with the class I was too lazy.</p>

 

[phranchk]

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=october+31+%3D+december+25</p>

 

[MassHavoc]

<blockquote class="ipsBlockquote" data-author="phranchk" data-cid="223495" data-time="1394827309">
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http://lmgtfy.com/?q=october+31+%3D+december+25</p>
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http://lmgtfy.com/?q=I+was+too+lazy.</p>

 

[phranchk]

That really might be the ultimate form of laziness. It's not like you have to expend any additional energy or mental power.

 

[MassHavoc]

logician</p>

 

[Spunky Porkstacker]

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[Tater]

WTF Spunky!</p>


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<span style="font-size:10px;">_{O.K. I LOL'ed.}</span></p>

 

[Spunky Porkstacker]

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