The neverending Z saga
Hi all,
It seems that Bruce Levine and certain other journalists can't let the Zambrano "rant" go, so I wrote something a couple days ago for our page on facebook about it.
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=215945668438192
Here's the relevant part for your enjoyment. Thanks for reading.
How the Media Paints Zambrano (inspired by Dr. Seuss' "How the Grinch Stole Christmas")
Cubs fan in Cubsville should like Zambrano a lot...
But the media in Chicago did not!
The media hated Zambrano! No matter the season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his contract wasn't set up quite right.
It could be, perhaps, of the rare dugout fights.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May be that the journalists' dicks were a tad too small.
But! Whatever the reason,
The contract or blowups,
They just kept on writing, hating Z all up,
Writing in their moms' basements with their keyboards of hate
Trying to paint Zambrano as lame and irate.
For they knew every Cubs fan in Cubsville relied
On the information surrounding their nefarious lies.
"And they'll listen to our words!" they say with their sneers.
"We'll get rid of Zambrano! He'll want out of here!"
Then they growled, on keyboards, fingers viciously tapping,
"We MUST find some way to get this plan happ'ning!"
For, afterwards, they knew...
...all the fan girls and boys
Would hate bright and early. They'd fall for their ploys!
And then! They'll make noise! They'll make Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
They'll start on up hating! With NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the fans, young and old, would pooh-pooh all Z's feats!
Were there feats? Z has feats?
There're no feats! Feats? Feats?! Feats!!
So what if he wins games, hits homers or throws pitches that're neat?
Zambrano is someone they couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN they'd do something to set Z up for a fall!
Every Cubs fan in Cubsville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, Zambrano mudslinging,
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And then they'd start stinging!
They'd sting! And they'd sting! AND they'd STING! STING! STING! STING!
And the more the media thought of this Z mudslinging,
The more that they thought, "Oh how badly we'll sting!
Why, for ten whole years we've put up with him now!
We MUST get Z out of town...but HOW?"
Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE MEDIA GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"We know just what to do!" The media laughed in their throats.
And they made up some lies while sac'ing a goat.
And they chuckled, and clucked, "We journalists have tricks!
With total lack of tact, we'll paint Z as a dick!"
"All I need is some good dirt..." The media looked around.
But, since Z was a cool guy, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the Media....?
No! They just simply said,
"If I can't find any dirt, I'll make some up instead!"
So they racked their brains. Then they scratched their bald heads
And they thought up some ploys to stop Z's career dead.
THEN they loaded their files
And cherrypicked stats
With a ramshackle story
Those inglorious hacks!
Then they continued to fib
And they put the pen down
As they set on their plan for the Cubs
To run Z out of town.
Oh, were their hearts dark. At Zambrano they glared.
And the "journalists" slandered poor Z without care
As the newspapers fell on each newstand and stair.
"This is step number one," the ugly media hissed
And they wringed their dirty fingers and clenched their fists.
Then they really got nasty. They were real jerks.
They spun those bad stories. They gave them the works.
They laid it on Z, that whole media zoo.
They pretended there was strife in the locker room
Where the little Cubs would fight and get into a row.
"These stories," they grinned, "will make sure Z goes!"
Their words slithered and slunk, oh it was most unpleasant,
As they portended doom for Z's continued presence
In Chicago or anywhere in baseball in fact
They didn't really care for they had no tact
As they continued to bag. Then the media, very nimbly,
Stated opinions as fact in a manner simply!
Then they got to stage two. They downplayed poor Z's feats!
No Cy Youngs, no 20-wins, why do we pay this beast?
It mattered not that the offense was weak.
Why bother when they could paint Z as a freak?
Then they put pen to paper with malice and glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the media, "I will get to stage three!"
And the media took Zambrano's anger and fleshed it out
And said that Z's temper would cause him to pout.
He'd crash down fast, that's what he would do!
He'd never win a Cy Young, heck, much less win two.
But the media didn't expect that their mighty Z slaughter
Would meet resistance from the Cubs fans and wouldn't hold water.
The fans stared at the media and said, "Paul Sullivan, why,
Why are you slandering our beloved Z? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Sully was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my dear sweet readers," the phony journalist lied,
"There's my side of the story and then there's his side.
So you are only getting my side in writing, it's true.
But Z has said nothing. So he should be booed."
And his fib fooled some fans, but others still said
That the stories were lies and were ignored instead.
But that didn't stop the dirty media from coming up
With more slander to mess Z's image up!
When at last they were finished,
They would snuff out Z's fire!
And they'd still keep their jobs as professional liars.
The fans for their stories would never tire.
And the one speck of ethics
They had in the house
Was destroyed when their mousetrap killed the house mouse.
Then they did the same thing as they did with Sammy Sosa
Leaving lies and hate that would make poor Z gosa!
And despite Z's good starts...
All the strikeouts, and popouts,
The homers he'd hit,
The fact that he got outs,
To help out the bullpen, the charity, the fan pages,
The autographs and the teamwork? Who cares, he has rages!
Three thousand words later, with nary a mention of good starts,
The media was ready to tear Zambrano apart!
"Pooh-Pooh to Z too!" they were evilly humming.
"He's about to find out that no fan love is coming!
He'll never be welcomed in this town again!
He'll be kicked out of the club or sent to the bullpen!
His mouth will hang open a minute or two
Then his contract will be voided and he'll cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the media,
"That we simply MUST hear!"
So they paused and they put their hands to their ears.
And they did hear something, those lie-making pros.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the fans weren't mad!
Why, they agreed with Z!
It couldn't be so!
But they backed Z, VERILY!
They stared down at Cubsville!
The media popped their eyes!
Then they shook!
What they saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Cubs fan in Cubsville, the tall and the small,
Wasn't stinging...they didn't hate Z at all!
They HADN'T stopped the legend of Zambrano!
He remained!
He remained a hero and kept winning games!
And the media, as their logic circuits explode,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
Z didn't have Cy Youngs! He was overpaid!
He didn't have strikeouts or pitch complete games!"
And they puzzled three hours, till their puzzlers were sore.
Then the commenters on their webpages gave them what for!
"Maybe Zambrano," they wrote, "is a master of WAR.
Maybe Zambrano...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Cubsville they say
That even though the media
Didn't quite go away
That Zambrano's statements were really all right,
That maybe perhaps he can withstand the slights
And so let him keep pitching! He'll rack up more feats!
And Z...Z himself! May still fill up the seats!
