Dearest Mule

[The Mule]

Dear Mule,



Can we see TCDs boobs?

Dear Supra,



Thank you for your question. It's indeed thought-provoking. Sadly, TCD has recently had a breast-reduction so his boobs are tender and sore and wrapped up like a sweaty mummy. As soon as they've healed I will start a thread devoted entirely to his boobs.



Yours,

Mule

 

[The Mule]

Dearest Mule,



Why do women love cards so much. You could by them the perfect gift, something they've wanted forever, something only you could give them, but no card, and it's not so great anymore. And vise versa, it could be your 30 wedding anniversary, Christmas, and your birthday all on the same day and you could pick up a 99 cent card and they are overjoyed... And don't give me that, it's the thought that counts bullshit, cards are the laziest easiest gifts in the world next to gift cards, and even then they still share the word card, coincidence?



With Heartfelt Joy,

Hallmark.



P.S. St. Louis Cards Suck Too.

Dear Mass,



Women don't actually like cards. It's that they love paper. Little known fact: paper contains pheromones. Paper is the ultimate turn on for ladies. ***, straight, bitches be loving paper. The next time you think about diamonds, think again. I mean, if you want to get laid.



Pulpily yours,



Mule

 

[The Mule]

Oh sweet jesus.



This is not good...no..no..not good at all.

This is not a question, but it is also made of dirty, no good lies.

 

[The Mule]

Yes it is. Stop being such a fucking maple tree-hugging pansy. She answered some questions HYSTERICALLY in the "Ask Ymono" thread and I for one want to see some more of her snarky, sardonic response stylings to these turds. If you ruin this COMEDY GOLD for me asshole I will be coming to VAN myself to kick your pasty ass.

Some people just get it. Bookjones is one of those people. Let us praise her.

 

[The Mule]

Why is it when a female answers all we hear is "blah blah blah blah blah blah"

Dear Bubble,



Thank you so much for your sensitive and intelligent question. The answer is this: **** OFF!!!!!! Also, men's ears are full of a special serum that makes them immune to sense and reason. It's kind of like jizz. Ear jizz. Darwin failed to mention this in The Origin of Species because at that time science was not advanced enough to detect the chemical nuances of ear jizz. And also out of his own shame.



Lovingly blah, blah, blah,

Mule

 

[bookjones]

Dear Bubble,



Thank you so much for your sensitive and intelligent question. The answer is this: **** OFF!!!!!! Also, men's ears are full of a special serum that makes them immune to sense and reason. It's kind of like jizz. Ear jizz. Darwin failed to mention this in The Origin of Species because at that time science was not advanced enough to detect the chemical nuances of ear jizz. And also out of his own shame.



Lovingly blah, blah, blah,

Mule

QFT

 

[supraman]

Dear Bubble,



Thank you so much for your sensitive and intelligent question. The answer is this: **** OFF!!!!!! Also, men's ears are full of a special serum that makes them immune to sense and reason. It's kind of like jizz. Ear jizz. Darwin failed to mention this in The Origin of Species because at that time science was not advanced enough to detect the chemical nuances of ear jizz. And also out of his own shame.



Lovingly blah, blah, blah,

Mule

That is not remotely true, you see 99% of the time women say nothing of note so we dont pay attention

 

[bubbleheadchief]

What did I miss....nothing?? Go figure



Back to the babysitter

 

[bookjones]

That is not remotely true, you see 99% of the time women say nothing of note so we dont pay attention

LOL! Annnnnnnd. . .there's your clusterfuckery right there you disingenuous mo-fo. So which is it? Is it that 99% of the time you're not listening to/not willing to listen to women which fundamentally implies you don't want to know what they're saying in order to get to know them or is it that pitiful, "Woe is us. Poor menfolk, we're just trying to figure out your personalities when we don't know you but all we have to go on at first is physical attributes like boobs and attractiveness so why do you women hate being objectified " bullshit you were spewing in the Ask Ymono thread? You can't have it all ways numbskull. . .but thanks for the laughs.

What did I miss....nothing?? Go figure



Back to the babysitter

Ooh! Do me a fave Sugar Daddy and ask her to make a friendship bracelet for me in oranges if she's not too busy at the mall this weekend. I would totes love that. Kthanx.

 

[bubbleheadchief]

As I have angered Ms Booksy so much that she no longer types in comprehensible english, let my next entry be an actual question.



Dear Mule,

i do appreciate the heartfelt advise you gave me to my previous question, I do believe it was "**** OFF" I hope I have quoted this correctly. Again I appreciate the advise, but as I did not follow the advise from the Dr I asked originally about banging the young woman of babysitter age, yes, that is correct, I did not pursue the young woman, it is quite impossible for me to follow your advise.



My question:

Why do your half the species get so upset when we answer "I really don't know" to the question "What do you want for dinner tonight?" it has been my experience through life, that the timing of the question is generally horrible, I have either just walked in the door from work, or I just finished eating my lunch and was just calling to see how her day has been so far, as my lunch times were generally the same time as my significant other. Are you actually expecting an honest answer? Don't you usually have your mind made up by then what is going to be fixed anyway?

This is just one of the many questions the male half the species have in their never ending quest to figure out that odd creature called WOMAN.



Sincerely,

Chief

 

[jakobeast]

Can you send that nutty 19 year old my way? I will let her call me by you name.

 

[bubbleheadchief]

I can promise you nothing Jako

 

[klemmer]

You have no idea whether I bite or not.

That doesn't matter. The relevant question is "spit or swallow?"......

 

[The Mule]

As I have angered Ms Booksy so much that she no longer types in comprehensible english, let my next entry be an actual question.



Dear Mule,

i do appreciate the heartfelt advise you gave me to my previous question, I do believe it was "**** OFF" I hope I have quoted this correctly. Again I appreciate the advise, but as I did not follow the advise from the Dr I asked originally about banging the young woman of babysitter age, yes, that is correct, I did not pursue the young woman, it is quite impossible for me to follow your advise.



My question:

Why do your half the species get so upset when we answer "I really don't know" to the question "What do you want for dinner tonight?" it has been my experience through life, that the timing of the question is generally horrible, I have either just walked in the door from work, or I just finished eating my lunch and was just calling to see how her day has been so far, as my lunch times were generally the same time as my significant other. Are you actually expecting an honest answer? Don't you usually have your mind made up by then what is going to be fixed anyway?

This is just one of the many questions the male half the species have in their never ending quest to figure out that odd creature called WOMAN.



Sincerely,

Chief

Dearest Chief,



This is indeed a complicated question. And yes, oftentimes the question is asked at an awkward moment, like after a healthy bowel movement, or in the throes of looking at online, hockey message boards. Perhaps it's because they would like a framework, perhaps it's because they honestly want to please you, perhaps it's just a question, like some kind of genetic mutation, that appears in generation after generation of females. However, I think it points to a different idea, that sometimes women don't want to think about what to have for dinner.



If a woman has cooked dinner every night for days, months, years, the dinner-cooking, thinking about recipes and menus part of her brain becomes enflamed. That part of the brain is tired and weary and uninterested in thinking about what to cook for dinner. She would probably rather be doing ten bazillion other things than considering dinner options. And probably doesn't much want to cook dinner either. Menu fatigue, it's a real problem.



Having the person being asked "what's for dinner" cook dinner is a good thing. Also good: take out. Also good: going out for dinner. Also good: candy for dinner.



Eat well, my friend.



Hungrily,



Mule

 

[bookjones]

As I have angered Ms Booksy so much that she no longer types in comprehensible english, let my next entry be an actual question.

I don't know WTH you are talking about---that was totally Tumblr English! I take umbrage with your suggestion that hanging around on these forums with a bunch of yahoos is making my basic grammar and vocabulary devolve.

That doesn't matter. The relevant question is "spit or swallow?"......

That doesn't matter. The relevant question is "do you think I spit or swallow?"





See how we can play this game forever you dirty little tart?

 

[klemmer]

I don't know WTH you are talking about---that was totally Tumblr English! I take umbrage with your suggestion that hanging around on these forums with a bunch of yahoos is making my basic grammar and vocabulary devolve.











That doesn't matter. The relevant question is "do you think I spit or swallow?"





See how we can play this game forever you dirty little tart?

To me, it doesn't matter. I think it's the most stupid question in the world.



Like a guy is really going to turn down oral gratification because the giver spits? yeah, right.

 

[LordKOTL]

Dear Mass,



Women don't actually like cards. It's that they love paper. Little known fact: paper contains pheromones. Paper is the ultimate turn on for ladies. ***, straight, bitches be loving paper. The next time you think about diamonds, think again. I mean, if you want to get laid.



Pulpily yours,



Mule

Dearest mule:



If paper gets women so hot and bothered, and if the 1st wedding anniversary gift should be paper, then is it safe to assume i can get my wife wetter than an otter's pocket if i get her an industrial-sized brick of toilet paper from Costco for our 1st anniversary?

 

[supraman]

Dear Mule,

Why is bookie so angry at us males? such hostility

 

[supraman]

Dearest mule:



If paper gets women so hot and bothered, and if the 1st wedding anniversary gift should be paper, then is it safe to assume i can get my wife wetter than an otter's pocket if i get her an industrial-sized brick of toilet paper from Costco for our 1st anniversary?

Dude buy her a ream of Xerox printer paper, she will do crazy shit with her tongue

 

[The Mule]

Dearest mule:



If paper gets women so hot and bothered, and if the 1st wedding anniversary gift should be paper, then is it safe to assume i can get my wife wetter than an otter's pocket if i get her an industrial-sized brick of toilet paper from Costco for our 1st anniversary?

Dude buy her a ream of Xerox printer paper, she will do crazy shit with her tongue

Dear Wet One,



Thinking about anniversary gifts is a stressful endeavour. Supra is correct. In your case, unfortunately, your chosen gift will not result in the desired outcome. Toilet paper, paper towels and paper napkins will not do the trick. Only stationery works in this regard. You would be better off buying a palette of plain, white computer paper at Costco over asswipe.



Anniversarily yours,



Mule