So this is pretty embarrassing
4 years ago, I went on a date with this chick I knew for a few years, but haven't seen in a couple of years, if that makes sense. Anyway, we went to go watch Taken 2, but beforehand, we bought some beer to sneak into the theatre. Right from the start, I knew she wanted it. And by "it", I mean my penis. She's a lightweight and got tipsy pretty fast, so she started to get pretty handsy early on and was running her fingers through my hair and resting her head on my shoulder.
At this moment, I realized I wasn't feeling it at all. I had just gotten off a 10 hour work shift (it was a strenuous job), and it was kind of late. Knowing that nothing was gonna happen for me, and the fact that she started getting kinda drunk, I poured out the rest of her 40 in the corner of the theatre while she was in the bathroom to prevent her from getting even more drunk.
I took her out to eat something afterwards to help her sober up, and then she was insisting on going back to my place. I was dodging it and kept talking about how tired I was. We get back in my car, and she’s like looking through all my shit and says, “You don’t keep condoms in your car?” I’m like, “No, extreme temps can ruin them. So I usually keep them at my place, or bring some with me if I’m going elsewhere.” This didn’t do me any favors as she started to insist we go back to my place even more. And the whole time we’re in my car, I had the worst cramping in my stomach and I had to fart so fucking bad. I’m lactose intolerant, and the thing I ordered apparently had dairy in it. So I kept moving around and shit trying to deal with it, but nothing helped.
So I’m like, okay, **** it. Let’s go. We get to my house, go to the basement, and she almost immediately starts taking off her clothes. I told her to hold on because I needed to go to the bathroom. Maaaaan. I had the worst fuckin diarrhea. And I had no spray, so it smelled really bad which made everything even worse. We start making out, but literally nothing is happening for me. I’m kinda flipping out because that never really happened to me before. She pulls down my pants, and I’m softer than Elton John at the Playboy mansion (70’s show reference.) She looks confused because apparently it’s never happened to her before either. She was trying everything and it just wasn’t working. I’m lying there staring at the ceiling thinking this is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. So I just told her that it wasn’t gonna happen. We sat there awkwardly trying to make small talk, and I drove her home.
